Longing...

2006-08-06T10:03:00.000+08:00

Nick Lachey
"What's Left Of Me"

Watch my life,
Pass me by,
In the rear view mirror
Pictures frozen in time
Are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes

Yeah...

[Chorus]
Cause I want you,
And I feel you,
Crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger,
Like a burning,
To find a place I've never been
Now I'm broken,
And I'm faded,
I'm half the man I thought I would be:
But you can have what's left of me

I've been dying inside,
Little by little,
No where to go,
But going out of my mind
In endless circles,
Running from my self until,
You gave me a reason for standing still

[Chorus]

It's falling faster,
Barely breathing,
Give me something,
To believe in
Tell me: It's not all in my head

Take what's left
Of this man
Make me whole
Once again

[Chorus]

I've been dying inside you see
I'm going out of my mind
Out of my mind
I'm just running in circles all the time
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me?
Just running in circles in my mind
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me?

Yar... this song just says everything now... can't think of anything that i don't want to think about but her... can't think properly... can't be who i am anymore...

2006-08-05T22:37:00.000+08:00

if there was a God out there... maybe hes just not listenting... maybe he's just a little too much things to do already... maybe he's just not willing to listen... haha... maybe he's just can't be bothered to think about what the other people want to think... maybe he doesn't care about the person whom he allowed to continue to push back to earth despite the many and numerous time he tried to let go of his flame of life...

Maybe there isn't a reason why he wants to do it... maybe... he just really doesn't care anymore... all i can tell the people who velieve that he's watching... think carefully... maybe he just helps those who he favours over... maybe... just so maybe... he's playing with those who are still alive now and only thinks of making better and newer people to populate this earth of his... just so how i know this... i really don't wanna know... neither do i want to say how... just know of this that it's really hardly any effort to needed to think this way...

God is just as cruel as the Devil... but hell it makes him look alot better in the case of the higher beings and all... aw well... guess i can't complain about that... i should really turn myself in for the count that tallies to heaven's gate... but hell... i really just want her only... which is nearly as impossible as reaching for the sky by jumping...

If there was a God... he'ld really relieve me of being here... he'ld really just toss me into somewhere where my soul can rest... not push me back... i don't need to be in a world where it's just pain everywhere... She doesn't care anymore anyways... she doens't love anymore... what she said to me just doesn't really cut it.... to take care of myself huh? i guess that's near to impossible... don't think i should update my LJ anymore than i should... don't think i should update anything... lest it brings about her to worry about me again... just completely dissappear from her life i guess... if that's what she wants...

Vera said that she's jsut very confused and don't know what to do with me now... so i guess i'll just stay back till she does bah... till she really knows what she's doing... till she does think about what she has done... regret maybe... who knows... maybe even happiness to have me gone out of her life... i don't know anymore... can i just say that i don't exist anymore in her life... i guess so bah... i guess so bah...

2006-08-02T14:25:00.000+08:00

my wrist is gone, gonne have to either see the doc and get something to be done about it, the sensei to twist it back in place, i twist it back in place, or worst come to worst, back it up with bandages and hope it heals naturally... haha... ankle's taken a beating at well from the running... don't know if i'll ever be so lucky again as she always say...

can't say much, but at least i got some place of my own now... a place to type out my feelings, no one to see, yet, kept public... haha... i don't know now... just in the shop feeling kinda dizzy now and then... feel... kinda gonna faint and kinda gonna puke... yar... most prolly caught a fever already... my head's feeling rather hot... maybe i should just sleep awhile... you know... close my eyes for a while... just try not to sleep... or maybe i should go find a place to sleep for awhile... i'm sure that 10 minutes won't matter right?...

haha... yar... it wouldn't...

kinda... wanna rest awhile... i hope nat doesn't mind me sleeping for a while... a very long while... yar... no one would mind.... i don't think anyone would mind me letting go of life already... i don't think that i would do much help in this society now... not in my circle of friends... don't think so...

i guess tonight i'll just rest... maybe rest for a very long while... yar...

to yuki, thanks for trying to cheer me up...

to kaasan, thanks for all the stupidity you try to scold me...

to rika, hope you win on sat...

to jon, drink less... love more...

to christina, happy birthday...

to kuroichou, you are a great family...

to all my msn friends, you guys never seem to make me smile...

to melvin, sorry i can't teach you the POS system...

to mark, tim, subash, ruixin, rach and etc etc, thanks for being there all the time...

to nat... thanks for your love... if tonight i'm gone, i would've broken my promise of not living pass christmas... sorry... i hope that i can love you again next lifetime... and have our little ikos... haha... i wish i can live again... for you...

running away

2006-08-01T21:38:00.000+08:00

i suppose i should leave this house and head off to somewhere where no one should hurt me again... it hurts... it really hurts... i can't go anywhere... i can't go and find Nat... i can't come to this home anymore... just going to pack a couple of things and head out... i don't want to be hurt physically anymore... i don't want to hurt emotionally anymore... i should just go find a place to sit down and rest... this place is no longer a home for me... this place.. is no longer welcoming as it is... i'm going off...

going... somewhere... i don't know where... anywhere but here...

i'm running away from home... don't know when i'll be back... just... take it i'm gone..

sometimes...

2006-08-01T19:12:00.000+08:00

sometimes... looking back at your old blog... you find things that fill your mind with things that you never really understand happened just a while ago... or even yesterday... then it comes to you in a flick of a finger... then you hear a voice that resembles yourself... telling you...

"you are just living a dream"

I don't know... love is cruel... love just hurts... love... i don't know love anymore... maybe i'm forced to talk... maybe i'm forced to speak... but it's hard to open up anymore...
just got slapped by my aunt for not responding to her question... why i don't want to talk to her anymore... something about not respecting your elders or something... she just don't know the reason... she doesn't really feel any emotions as strong as mine now... she doesn't understand the pains of a broken up relationship... am i just too dumb to open up? or do i still fear what i say matters anymore... maybe no one will see this... maybe no one will notice... since it's already been inactive for so long... i find comfort in it... so yar... i guess it's like that huh? hm...

pfft...

2006-04-02T00:33:00.000+08:00

Quote of the day
"There will never be a day without violence"
"and violence solves everything other then the things is doesn't solve..."

on the front lines of heated arguements, there is nothing more to say but just let anyone who reads this blog look up at the tagbox... it may seem that my attitude is being scutinized *if it is spelt like that, i do apologise if my english is bad* and been labled as "childish" well, since when has being childish been a sin to begin with? has it not been childish attitudes that brought the world on fire by the decisions of others? or has it been maturity that reigned over the boring metropolis of awkward ignorance that never seems to spill out of some people who don't even see themselves as being targets of people around them... Being anonyomous can be fun at times, but please be "Matured" and at least leave a name behind for others to at least adress you in "proper attitude" and not "childish" attitude... it is like telling your own army to go to war without even telling them why the war is going on and what they are fighting for... it's something that everyone has and everyone should have... a name is important to everyone... everything has a name... and everyone has a name... don't you think you are now being "childish" by playing hide and go seek with me here? haha... i think you are just looking for attention within your empty mindset that never seems to escape my amusement... and yes, it seems like it is pretty clear of how easy the answer to guess the identity and how clear it seems to be as it is right under my nose... never has it been easy to conclude a mystery well solved within a little twisting and turning of words and yes, it seems like the ideas have seem to spill and the puzzle pieces have started to piece themselves together...

Has it not been clear enough from the first day? haha... who knows what you are tryinog to do, nothing unexpected will happen... isn't it just so far fetched to put up a comment with such little interest and yet try to burn it up with words of "wisdom" and words of "funtionality" and "maturity"? i'm guessing that you may not understand the situation here but yes, you are not experienced enough to play these kind of games when i start to play serious, and i mean it if you want to do it... my thoughts are collected enough to retaliate, but.... i think i rather ues the time and effort plus the brain juices to work out other things like how to plan for future children of mine and that will never be a concern of yours, anonyomous, It will lay it's path before me and not yours, your words will never path a way into my life, because you will never be able to cross it fast enough before you ever get run down by me, but i'm guessing it's better than the ignorant attitude of yours that you excrete no matter how hard you try to stop it, it practically stales the air around me, doesn't it choke you? i guess not, sice you're too thick skinned to admit things that you will never seem to be done with. I'm guessing something
and i know that it is right, and that you will be mearly a tiny, if not small influence upon the rest of the world, Isn't it nice? to know that you will never be able to hide under that few words , covering yourself in it will never get you anywhere than embaress-ville... therefore, think twice beofre posting, it will only get worst for you

why does it have to be like that?

2006-03-26T23:37:00.000+08:00

Quote of the day
"the both of you made me do it and i'm going to make you regret..."

Why can't you let us be together? why must you interfere with our lives? even if you're her parents, shouldn't you all be more understanding towards your daughter? shouldn't you all be supportive of her having a responsible boyfriend who thinks of the future for her? shouldn't you all be thinking of being able to hold a grandson in a couple of years time? all of you are just sexist bastards who allow your 15 year old son to have a girlfriend and yet not your 17 year old daughter to have a boyfriend... they say that the society nowadays are very open towards the fairness of both sexes and yet guess what? the jackpot landed on your heads and yes, you are officailly branded stoneage people like the rest of the seperatist bastards who only allow their daughters to have boyfriend like... NEVER! since you all want her to die a VIRGIN! pfft.. idiots who can't think straight for parents will never mke it into a good relationship with their children... and yes, you call yourself a father figure for the family... you can go to hell... who hits their son in the head coz of small little thing like money within the family? you are a worthless bastard... who steps and almost crushed his daughter's leg and never apologise and still don't care? you worthless piece of scumbag for a father... who kicks his whole family out of the house and claims that everything is his? you are not worth to breath this air... who does things without thinking and yet still doesn't apologise no matter how wrong he is? you... are... going... to... hell... and yes, you call yourself a christian... my ass... you should just go pray to the deaf god of yours and i say, he will never forgive you... don't even think about going to kingdom come... just plunge straight into the fiery depths where demons and legions will boil you in oil and torture you... so says my conscience...

I hope you will burn in hell... and you, as a mother, can't you be more supportive of your daughter? i know that you can be a good mum sometimes, can't you think for your daughter for once? think of how stressful she is sufferring silently under each breath as you choke on her sanity... i think it hurts too much for her as well as for me... you will never know the secret live that she is living behind your back cause you don't bother to even get to know why she did those thigns to you... would you care enough like she will for her own daughter or son? i don't know... you care for your son more than your daughter... you take advantage of your daughter just to make your son happy... don't you know that your daughter has done so many things for you and yet you are blind to it? i don't know... but for all i know, you ARE blind to it... and i hope you open your eyes and relate yourself to her... if you did that long ago, she wouldn't, you wouldn't your husband wouldn't have already gotten into such a big mess... and yes, teach your husband some manners... his temper flares and fires mine up... if it's not for him going to be my father -in-law, i would've gotten ugly in his face and made him eat wall plaster... so please... treat your daughter better... cause i know that you won't be livig a very fruitful retirement years after your retire from everything else... and i'll make sure your retirement plans don't go according to plan...

why? Why? WHY?!

2006-03-21T23:54:00.000+08:00

Why do you people always force me to do things? Why do you all always push me around like some kind of doll? Why do you people always kick me around like a ball? WHY WHY WHY?! of all the people in the world, why me? why do you all always hurt me mentally and push so much stress on me? why do you all always blame me for things that i never do nor even thought about doiing? Why do you all tell me things that i already did correctly and still scold me for not listening? WHY? just tell me how come i have to suffer all your stupidity and authority? WHY? is it because i look like a pushover? Is it because i'm very nice to bully? is it because you all feel superior because you are all older and wiser than me? is it because you think that due to your experience, i'm not allowed to talk back and stand in my own point of view? is it because you all think more and know more makes me less experience than you all?

What is it to you all that makes you all feel so great? i don't know why i'm the one to take in all your abuse? i don't think i'm any different from others and i don't think that i'm anymore hurt than those words you say to me... what is it to you all that makes you feel taller than me? what rights do you all have to push me to a corner to make decisions for me and force them upon my shoulders? I so sdon't get it... just want to break down and cry... just want to let it all go and jump off a building, cut my wrist and bleed to death, slit my own throat and spill blood all over you and put these words on my grave:

"See what your ways have done to me, your forceful ways have pushed me to my death, blame not on me but yourselves. I will wait for you in hell to push you around, You bastards"

And i mean what i said... all of you are bloody bastards, i hope you all rot in hell with me laughing at your rotting corpse being feasted by maggots with scavengers not even wanting to touch your vile rotten meat. All of you should just go to hell...

Sigh... kept me thinking...

2006-03-16T23:55:00.000+08:00

Quote of the day
"Males are stupid"
"Emotions rules the heart and heart rules the head,"
"so does emotion rule the head too? go figure..."

I've come to conclude that i make every girlfriends that i ever had cry... why can't i just take their tears away? all of them taste the bitterness of sadness... I'm such a useless bum... All i can do is make them cry... All i can do is make her cry... i don't think i'm a good candidate to anyone who ever wants someone who won't make them cry and sad... I know that i'm only good-for-nothing, everyone thinks i'm making up most of the stuffs that's happeneing in my life now... even if i want to, i can't... it's just plain me to spill everything over the floor for all to see... i can smile and yet cry on the inside... i can laugh and yet weep on the inside... i can tell you things that you may like and yet i don't and i will still try my best to make you laugh even if i can't... I can always bottle up every single thing that's troubleing me and yet still look so much as normal as anyone on the streets walking and doing normal things... I can never be the same as i can ever be if i ever change back and revert... is my own conscience gripping too tightly on my emotions? oris my own thinking tearing out my sanity and stomping on them like rag dolls?

I'm totally taken into my own little world... no amount of sleep is ever going to take this load off my shoulder... I'm a thoughtless bastard bent on my own path of destruction... saying things that i shouldn't even be saying.. I'm getting scolded for things that i've never seem to do right no matter how much i go by the book for... How am i going to survive in this kind of society? I can't really want to be alone.. i don't want to... I can harly remember who i last thought off... and i can harfly remember the faces i see on the pictures of my own memories... i'm harldy ever known myself anymore than i should... Who am i really? I don't know... somehow i'm only remembering one name that is so important to me... and it isn't me... I'm only the rest of the world's filth thrown into the pits to rot and die with no more than the purpose of doing nothing, nothing at all other than to infect the rest of the population as a useless bum... I'm so sorry... I am only one without purpose... and all i can remember is that name... so important... so precious... so pure that i can't even think of why it should be in my mind... It's Nathasha...

To My Dearly Departed Chips...

2006-03-15T00:29:00.000+08:00

You have given me fun, laugher, peace and joy
You have been a highlight of my life
You have been a pet of obedience
You were part of my life and will still be
You have been my pet

You have been light in times of darkness
You have been laughter in times of sadness
You have been there always
You have never talked back and yet spoken
You have been my pet

You were the lining in the cloud above my thunderstorm
You were the rainbow after the rain
You were the best in your reign
You were the only one with speech with actions
You have been my pet

My love for you will last
My love for you will always never change
My love for your departure will still linger
My love for you is unique
You have been my pet

To corn, to hay, to eternal sunflower seeds
To fields, to friends, to eternal family
To me, to you, to our relationship
To my pet, to your master, to our unique love
You have been my pet

Rest now as I pray for your soul
Rest now as I discard your shell
Rest now as I write this testimonial
Rest now for you are free
You have been my pet

To my pet hamster, Chips, who died on the morning of 15th March 2006, you shall be eternally remembered for the fun you have brought upon us...
We love you...

OMFG~ this is weird

2006-03-14T09:36:00.000+08:00

Quote of the day
"OMFG~ LOLWTFWTHLMFAOBBQ! zoik~ "
"fangirls..."

fangirls these days are weird, they go all over the [place for g33ks~ and when i mean g33ks, i mean them to be l33t! DAMN! l33t sp34king 1s fun~ and thus, i conclude that my GF is crazy over ishida and he's a totally l33t g33k... can i say more about it? no, i don't think so... apparently, fangirling over a guy is ok fan boying over a guy is just plain wrong... WTF IS WRONG WITH THE PEOPLE THESES DAYS?! can i fanboy over Sol Badguy? apparently not...

aw well... just gotten off the phone with her... and yes, i'm still somewhat of pissed over things that i can't control... like my life and work permit and shitty stuffs like that... sometimes, the best things to do is really do nothing at all... just hoping that it'll arrive soon... somewhat miss my angel... nothing seems the same anymore... times are reallly bad these days... more and more of me want to be with her, everyday... every single day... and yet i can't do nothing about it... work, my aunt, everythign is dragging me down... the weight on my shoulders still feels physical... and yes, i'm still jealous of that someone, whom-i-shall-not-speak being able to be with her most of the time.. yes, i'm not spending enough time with her, yes i'm not able to be around her all the time, yes i'm a stupid fuked up retard who found a job in a company where it leeches my life away, yes i'm a fuked up jealous retard... if that makes you happy... i hate to find myself in a position where i can't do anything other than worrying about her more than myself... i'm just that kinda guy... so shoot me for all i care... it's only human to be like that, if you want to blame, don't blame me.... blame god for my freewill over my life... apparently, he programmed something that's not nesessary and it's causing me to lose control... wish i'll never worry so much... even better... wish i don't know how to worry...

Should i or shouldn't i?

2006-03-12T08:57:00.000+08:00

Quote of the day
"Talk only when needed to..."
"Don't talk because you wanted to..."

Why do humans understand their pets so much? Why do humans understand animals who don't speak, don't say, don't communicate with words? When i open my mouth... i say things that seem to amuse myself... when i open my mouth, i tend to push them straight into someone's ear by force... when i open my mouth, things start to fall apart... am i turning into something i don't want to become? loudmouth, air head, dumb shit... i don't know... maybe i should just keep my mouth shut till i'm needed to talk, till i have to talk, till i'm wanted to talk... maybe i should revert back to my onld self where i only talk once a while... things aren't really going to plan as they all fall apart... hopefully lady luck is by my side... i still want to stay in Singapore and work... see everybody, be with everybody, be with my angel... i don't know anymore should i be laughing at the fact that i'm still here? or stressing over the fact that if the work permit is not done this monday, i'm out and gone fore the next 2-3 months back to Malaysia...

Why can't things go according to plan? why can't i tell everyone that i'm ok now? why can't i just laugh at things that seems so measly lame and stupid? why can't i just be dumb and not talk... stay like a dog... without barking or saying anything, i'm understood... why can't i just be one? i don't know why... why things turned out like that... sigh...

1 minute and 17 seconds...

2006-03-12T00:06:00.000+08:00

Quote of the day
"Don't ask when not questioned..."
"Don't question unless you are prepared for an answer..."

1 minute and 17 seconds... such little time... so little amount of movement, such precious minutes... such precious seconds... but it's nothing to many people... yes, 1 minute 17 seconds can make a very big difference in someone's life... it can allow someone to prevent from getting crushed under... i don't know, a ton of rocks? it could save someone's life, CPR anyone? it could mean the amount of time to say the most important words a person would say in his or her entire life, "I Do..." it could mean the time taken to aim and shoot some terrorist in the head with a sniper bullet? or it could make someone's day last a little shorter and make him feel abit less tired... i second to the last example...

1 minute 17 seconds... that's how long the call lasted... i don't know why.. it left a bad aftertaste in my mouth... was that a smooch i heard after the good bye? or was i imagining things? or was it the sqeaking of the handphone being closed after the call? i don't know... all i knwo what that i needed more, wanted more, hunger for more... desired more... but i got none... it made my day feel like it has an even more psychological weighted pressure on my head and my heart.. i don't know anymore... but i have to keep quiet about it... i can't be selfish and talk to you and continue with what happened in my day... still ahve to let you rest... maybe i'm just too selfless... maybe i'm just that naive... maybe i'm just too stupid to message you, telling you and asking if i can call you... i don't know... one full day and all i ahd to really talk is... 1 minute and 17 seconds... it felt lesser than that... the time grew longer... the length grew longer... the distance grew longer... i can't feel anything other than the weight that's pulling my heart down now... even as i type, i feel it's strain upon my chest... it hurts.... but i know that it's only psycological...

1 minute and 17 seconds... how i wish for it to last longer... save me.... someone...

i hate i hate I HATE

2006-03-08T00:29:00.000+08:00

Quote of the day
"nothing should be left in sight"
"you won't know what will go missing or what secrets is leaked..."

I have absolutely no privacy at all... wtf's wrong with people nowadays? they peek and stare and prode into your personal things and accounts and wallets! THIS IS CRAZY BOTH MY AUNTS ARE CRAZY! ONE SAYS THAT I CAN'T SAVE AND THE OTHER LOOKS INTO MY WALLET! WTF IS WRONG WITH THEM!?!?! this world has gone to the dogs... and thus i conclude that they are both mentally challenged and are ready to be dropped into "Hougang Chalet" i conclude that they are also grave diggers... I found a phone last time, and they are trying to exploit me to go take more busses and find more phones for their own use... WTF IS WRONG WITH THEM!? i'm staying in a place filled with idiots who can't think straight and are child exploiters... i hate them... i HATE them... I HATE THEM! THEY CAN ALL GO TO HELL AND BURN FOR THEIR CONDEMMING ACTIONS WHICH I HOPE THE DEVIL WILL GLADLY LICK THEM CLEAN WITH HIS PITCH FORK AND SKEWER THEM UP THROUGH THEIR ASSES AND ROAST THEM OVER A FIRE! bloody blasted bucketheadfilledwithwormsandwhatnot... i hate them... so very much... hate hate hate hate hate...

sometimes... sometimes...

2006-03-05T23:42:00.000+08:00

Quote of the day
"I've been thinking of nothing lately..."
"and nothing is getting me into trouble..."

Weird to say, I think that the parents of Nat are crazy enough to the point to force their daughter into prisonhood by taking her phone, taking her router, no internet, no monitor cable, no handphone, no housephone, no contacting other people besides school friends, no contacting cosplay people, no boyfriend, no band... adng... they ARE crazy... i mean, who would do that to a kid? their kid somemore? i's worst than living it out in the box after commiting martial offense and getting court martialled... this is just too damn weird parents these days have become... i hate to think that there are people like that in this world... pfft... work is getting me down now... and yes, i can't see my darling for a long time, not to mention, i've not seen her for a while already... and i miss her dearly.. if only she could see what i write everyday... the hours i spent looking at her picture, talking to a blank space infront of me with her picture facing me... damn... i'm going to go crazy if it continues like this... can't think of anything other than her next phonecall that she can make from the house... this is really retarded.. chruch going people doing this to their children... what happened to Love Thy Children? or Love thy Kinsman? pfft.... no moral values instilled into their minds these days... useless parents...

Happy Birthday To....... me....

2006-02-27T17:50:00.000+08:00

Quote of the day
"an occassion that happens once every year..."
"doesn't mean that it should be looked forward to..."

This is just something that came across my mind today... as my day was spent with whom I love... the day of my birth, the day of my curse... the day of my founding, my founding of you...

The tears that rolled down your cheeks...
Those hot salty tears...
The dampened lips, wet with your tears...
I can't wipe you dry...

The eternal pain of loss...
The everlasting pain of hate...
That lingering feeling of want...
That hovering emotion of loneliness...

I can't help but feel...
To feel the stab as it plunged upon my chest...
Splashing across the wall is my fears...
The fears that I lost you, to work...

Can this last long?
Can this last short?
How long will it take my breath away?
How long will it take to see you again?

I tear with your crying...
I cry with your tearing...
The tearing of my presence from you...
The tearing of your prensence from me...

Let this not be the last of our surging emotions...
Let this not be the last of our kissing crossroads...
Let this not be the last of me seeing your smiles...
Let this not be the last of me losing you...

I love your presence...
I love your smiles...
I love your touches...
What my birthday you gave me best...

You gave me memories...
Of memories I treasure...
Of light I hold yonder...
Of you I hold eternal...

I love you...

I don't know anymore than i do...

2006-02-25T10:01:00.000+08:00

Quote of the Day
"Sometimes the truth out there may never seem to be true..."
"neither is all false information false enough to hurt..."

I don't know... I'm losing sleep over matters that I don't even know what seems to be bothering me anymore than I should... Is this a sort of being weird and suspicious of everything all over again? I don't know... Indulging in Maple seems to be the only things that's been making me forget about some things and end up in killing and mindless slaughter of what seems to be "Green and Horny Mushrooms" hm... i don't know anymore... haiz... All i can think of is my darling... Just wisihng that after i start work, I might not see her as often than i should and I love to see her everyday, her smiles, her warmth, it just seems to radiate off her and bounce off every wall that she walks pass... It just seems so right to be around her.. My mood is taking me down the drain as i've been feeling down... haiz... donnou why... depression? hope not...

Mapling is fun as they said, but others may well say that it's a mindless game... hey, everybody's different, they have their own kinda thinking and thus the different opinions and stuffs... just like drum mania and para... who would'nt think that it's lame to hit a stick on a round pad or dance around like an idiot chopping air and kicking imaginary things? well, it's just opinions... but hey, i do that.. if you don't like it, i guess you could just say... "Go to hell... "

I think i'll go have breakfast now... it's getting late already... aw well... hope that later will be feeling better since i'll be seeing her... ^-^

hm... this is retarded...

2006-02-23T08:36:00.000+08:00

Quote of the day
"Having everything doesn't really means you have everything,"
"Come to think about it, you might have everything but the things you don't have."

I know this sounds stupid, i'm freaked out by the fact that i'm freaked out by a nightmare... freaky nightmare involved somthing which i don't think anyone would love to hear... apparently ,i've gotten into an era where i was walking down a railway track... it was wet and slippery... playing around with the muddy field and staring at an apparently useless warehouse.... seeking a job... *WTF?!* I can see other people walking there as well... a female.... and i'm wearing a pair of slippers... used to be owned by an old man.... *hmmm...*

Entering the building, I saw that it was not just a normal building but a factory for drugs.... white powery... cocaine.. *this is starting to get weird....* other people were like drug dealers and drug sniffers.. all waiting to get that job... 3 guys were sitting on the waiting chairs... apparent that they don't like me much... and thus don't allow me to sit next to them on the chairs... i talked to the wife... or so i think she is.... and she made me sit down... one of the senoir druglords came upon us and talked to the 4 of us, the gyuys and me. The druglord was playing around with my ear... he was talking halfway and then suddenly took out a pair of keys and jabbed it into my left ear... *huh?!* but there was mno pain... and he took it out... laughing with the rest of them, he jabbedit in again and removed it soon after... after this oprdeal, he was laughing in my face... with that stupid grin on his face...

Here comes the weird part... I laughed in his face with that maniacal grin on MY face... and they all silence out, their expression was grim, all blanks and fear... and thus begins the bloodshed... I jumped upon his head and started to tear at his throat, cracking his bones and bitibng out his neck, chewing throw all the tender ligaments and soft tissues.. ripping his guts from his oopen stomach... people were screaming and shouting for the head boss and thus ends my nightmare as i ran and attacked therest of the people... damn... wtf....

hm... Random stuffs...

2006-02-22T21:11:00.000+08:00

the Questioner
Test finished!

you chose CY - your Enneagram type is SIX.

"I am affectionate and skeptical"

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family,
friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved
and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

Be direct and clear.

Listen to me carefully.

Don't judge me for my anxiety.

Work things through with me.

Reassure me that everything is OK between us.

Laugh and make jokes with me.

Gently push me toward new experiences.

Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Six

being committed and faithful to family and friends

being responsible and hardworking

being compassionate toward others

having intellect and wit

being a nonconformist

confronting danger bravely

being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a Six

the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind

procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence
in myself

fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of

exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger

wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right

being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Sixes as Children Often

are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and
stubborn

are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger

form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent

look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority
and rebel

are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families,
and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Sixes as Parents

are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty

are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence

worry more than most that their children will get hurt

sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy

Discover the 9 Types of People

HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

You are not completely happy with the result?!

You chose CY

Would you rather have chosen:

AY (EIGHT)

BY (FOUR)

CX (TWO)

CZ (ONE)

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 0% on ABC
You scored higher than 56% on XYZ

Link: The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

how true is this i dun know... but it's pretty accurate...

aw well... just another day...

2006-02-21T23:28:00.000+08:00

Quote of the Day
"Having to choose may seem to be hard at times..."
"But being able to choose with your own will is the only freedom from enslavement..."

it's been DAYS since i last updated... well... maybe weeks bah... aw come on... people also got life one leh, K? XD anyways, here's what happened in the last few days, lets back track and see what we have from the latest to the oldest...

Latest.... erm... sorta...
OH YAR! Cosplay for a cause... it was nice and all, but me and Nat almost was late due to some things that i have to do to Chips and Fries and well.. lunch... hahaha... nvm lah, at least they are still alive can liao... they are NOT lunch... let me repeat that... THEY ARE NOT LUNCH! yup, hope that gets to your head... XD and well, arriving there was still ok, met up with moo moo, v.v and stevan! and well, sorta met up with vera coz she came to find us instead... XD sory vera, almost late for your gig! X-x bust still, it delayedtill 1.30... hahaha... the thing is, gig = nice, but vocal = bad when she was singing a little too far from the microphone... aw comeon... it's already maxed out for you liao... still so soft... bass was apparently muting you all the way... vera's band is still ok, but the next few is better due to the better vocals... aw well... you win some, you lose some... heard that they had another gig at night.. hope it was better than the morning one.... hehe... and vera, nice gig~ too bad we ain't got you a bouquet of flowers... XD next time bah.. XD

not-so-latest
erm... don't remember liao... but i think i can throw it at the fact that i can't seem to be able to get a job that i like... a.k.a. 77th street retail associate... KNNBCCB! haiz... but hell, they said to call me and still no call.. this is sucky loh... might as well drop me an e-mail if you guys ever like not want me, at least tell me mah... haiz... still have to take photo somemore... wtf was that man?! haiz... so what if i'm Malaysian... i studied in Singapore for so long already... and i still shop in your outlets... and yet you give me this kinda face... haiz... so dissappointed... and well, these days, no one will employ a malaysian... coz it's sooooooooooo difficult... coz it's soooooooooo ma fan... haiz... nvm lah... but still, i must try... just hoping that the one that i'mma gonna try this thursday will allow me to get into it.. it's G1! and it's the store that i bought my DS from! and i'm hoping that i can get it ne..... haz... hopefully...

and the last but not least not-interesting piece of news...
I'm addicted and hooked to Maple Story already... and infecting everyone that i'm talknig to on MSN... MUAHAHAHAHAH! COME TO THE DARK SIDE! XD

ok, time to MS, later~ and take care...

day of hapiness turned sour and sad.... man...

2006-02-14T22:10:00.000+08:00

Quote of the Day
"Life seems to flicker like a candle in the wind"
"One moment it's there, the next, it's gone..."

Well, happy Valentine's day to all couples in the world, mine was although a little more plain then ever and well, boring to say with no romantic stuffs going on with my angel, but still, it's special in it's own ways no matter what... haha... and yes, lots of people say that my hair now short, looks better though... haiz... dunnou lah... more punkish and stuffs... i'm still currently looking for a damn job... and seeing that today's newspaper really did give me something to read about, i'm deciding to go for it... it's a 77th street job and it's tml's... walk-in-interview... i'm hoping to get that job though... haha... it's a nice sales's job... maybe it's for me since i'm into fashion and all... aw well... if i land in it, maybe i'll get to work in the WDL's Causeway point outlet... maybe in town also... who knows... ^-^

Sadder news is that my hammies, well, apparently it's no longer mine... Chips and Fries, Chips who we, my angel and me thought was a male, turned out to be a female, had babies.... and the babies, apparently.... died... and first there was 3... then two were found dead... then there was 1... and thus it died today... coz we didn't know... and apparently, Nat touched it, not knowing... it's ok dear, we know it's not your fault... and i think coz of the human smell, Chips ignored it... and it died of starvation... haiz... dang.. i hate it... but still.. it's what they are... hammies... they don't know anything other than eat, sleep, have sex, give birth and bite anything that comes across them... and Fries bit me... i don't blame him, coz i'm unfamiliar to him... aw well... dunnou lah... i pray for your poor souls in hammy heaven to let you be reincarnated as something else.... haiz... *sobs*

Retarded news... my aunt asked me retarded questions when she doesn't even know the answer to the questions yet and expect her answer to be the ultimate answer to everything... all she says is that i'm wrong... WTF?!!! all i do is wrong and everything she says is right... and if i say that she's smart, beautiful and brilliant... you should know what she'll say without a though... yes... hat i'm wrong... and that's totally CORRECT! she's retarded, fugly and yes, did i mention retarded? hahaha... aw well, retards will only know that they are clever when they are clever than the more retarded people in the world... man, why do i even have to get supressed by her oppression... crazy retard... have i mention that she's totally retarded?! lol...

One last thing... TREASURE YOUR LOVED ONES AS YOU TREASURE YOUR VERY LIVES! coz you'll never know when you'll fade away... like my little hammies-whose-names-will-never-be-known who died without-knowing-what-the-world-was-like... so yar... treasure everything and thus, don't regret making your decision... live everymoment as if it's your last... or you'll regret it! ^-^ coz i am doing it now... aw well~ CHEERS~

I HATE THIS! THIS IS SO beep UP!

2006-02-11T10:55:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Nagging is good... a little more is enough..."
"BUT 3 OF YOU NAGGING IS DRIVING ME CRAZY"

i officially hate my aunts... my cousin is still ok... but my aunt can just go kill themselves... last nites dinner sucks... and yes, i hate them not coz of the lousy dinner, but their constant need to nag at me and set their tongues to link unrelated things into the one topic of me... my hair..WTF IS WRONG WITH MY HAIR?! long so what... eesh, tell me cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut.... *you know the rest...* KNNBCCB! and she says

"if you don't cut, you'll never get a job"
"look like a girl already"
"cut is for your own good"
"cut already, people will like and will hire you"
"must cut"
"see lah, all the aunties complain to me that you got long hair"
"long hair, see lah, drop everywhere"
"tie up your hair in public"
"tie up your hair when doing household chores"
"tie up your hair when interview"
"tie up your hair"

these are still supressable... but the most irritating and irrational explaination is...

"i don't want to sit near you, you give me a bad impression"

WTF IS THAT?! YOU THINK YOU SO DUA BAI ARGH?! what's wrong with your fucking brain?! what's wrong with people having long hair tied up in a neat way?! what's wrong with your freakin braincells? degenerated liao argh?! your short hair grow inwards and cut off our oxygen supply to the brain and made you say that argh?! CB! you don't fucking tell me this loh, i'm your nephew leh, and you do this to me, you're fucking retarded for all i care... this is totally unacceptable for you are the fucktard....

i'm getting my hair cut ASAP already, and i told them i'll get it cut.. and then they start to freaking complain about MY EARRINGS! WTF IS THAT AGAIN!?!?! and i gues they'll stop only when i look like a total freak with bowl cut hair, wearing freaking checked shirts buttoned to the top who looks ilke i just came outta the 60's and looking like a freaking tortise... NB! really unacceptable... I HATE YOU! YOU HEAR?! I HATE YOU! for making my life so freaking miserable and making my look like a freak and a fool in MRT stations when you scream out loud, but i know the fool is you, retard starts screaming out in the middle of nowhere at someone, who do you think people will look at? YOU OF COZ, YOU DUMBASS! pfft... can't believe you're so old fashion, other people's aunts and elders look and act more matured than you are, thinking that you're really so big and really so scary~ WAH~ i'm so scared~ fuck off, and don't think you cannot tick me off enough for me to freaking hit you... i swear that i will if i want to... i'm just showing you respect for the count of you being my aunt... pfft... fucktard

hm... time to think deep and hard...

2006-02-05T16:03:00.000+08:00

No, this is not some nonsensical post that i shall put here in my blog... it's just that it got me thinking about some stuffs after reading in the newspaper... 15 year old goes after a 30 year old....
older guys earn much much more money than one who is of the same age... hm.... am i being paranoid or am i just drinking too damn much tea for my own good... sometimes it's just not good for my health to think this way... but ell. i know that i must be about to provide for my future wife, yes, that's true... i must be able to think more independently for her and myself... yar yar... all the same boring stuffs about family and well... stuffs.... can't blame me to think more aboutothers since i can never take care of myself... and yet, all i can do is sit and stare at the reality of being next to absolutely nothing and yes... getting a job that's not to the expense of having to slave myself in front of others and yet earn a resonable amount of money for the future uses...

Hey, i'm not thinking for myself though... but still, sometiems humans have to be selfish and think for themselves... i can't do that much longer than an ant trying it's luck to run outta a hot pot.... dude... i'm not that intellectual enough to tell you when to do things that will not compromise the lives of millions... neither am i dumb enough to go jump off a cliff without a line behind me.... it's just natural for humans to do that... well... average humans... and yes... i hope that i can get a freakin job that don't require my aunt to complain to me everyday that i have to earn enoguh for the future... enough tfor my further education... enough for this, enough for that... dude... that's just irritating... haiz... dunnou lah... just hoping that i won't end up in doing somthing i'll mean to regret.... OPPRESS THE SUPRESSED! damn... that felt great... and yes... i just screamed in thin air about it... and yes, no one's listening... maybe the neighbours will just think that there's a mad man on the loose around the area and not suspect that it's me.... lol...

well.. ain't got nothing better to do...

2006-02-05T10:41:00.000+08:00

People with nothing better to do should know that i'm bored by stealing from other peoples' posts... XD

Stolen From Nat

Appearance
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] at times I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I've had/have braces.
[x] wear glasses.
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[ ] I have/had piercings in places besides my ears.
[ ] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life
[ ] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home.
[x] I've been kicked out of the house.
[ ] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

School/Work
[ ] I'm in school.
[ ] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[ ] I almost always do my homework.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[x] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[ ] I've stolen something from my job
[ ] I've been fired.

Embarrassment
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I've peed from laughing.
[ ] I've snorted while laughing.
[ ] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something (purely by accident!!)
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my pants rip/drop in public

Health
[x] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[x] I've gotten stitches.
[x] I've broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[ ] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[ ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[x] I had a serious surgery.
[ ] I've had chicken pox.

Traveling
[ ] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[ ] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.

Experiences
[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[ ] I've seen a meteor shower.
[ ] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[ ] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've gone skinny dipping.
[x] I've played spin the bottle.
[ x I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed a car.
[ ] I've been Skiing
[x] I've been in a play.
[x] I've met someone in person from the internet.
[ ] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[ ] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten Sushi.
[ ] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships
[ ] I'm single!
[x] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumped more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher
[ ] I am a cuddler.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

Honesty/Crime
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've run a red light.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.
[x] I've witnessed a crime.
[x] I've been in a fist fight.
[ ] I've been arrested.
[ ] I've shoplifted.

Death and Suicide
[ ] I'm afraid of dying.
[x] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone dying.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[x] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[x] I've planned my own suicide.
[x] I've attempted suicide.
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] I own iPod or MP3 player.
[x] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[x] I collect comic books.
[ ] I own something from The Gap.
[ ] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] I own something from American Eagle.

Random
[ ] I can sing well.
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[x] I open up to others easily.(somewhat.)
[ ] I watch the news.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly.
[] I sing in the shower.
[ ] I am a morning person.
[ ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[ ] I'm a snob about grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[ ] I twirl my hair
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name
[ ] I love being neat
[x] I love Spam
[x] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[ ] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue.
[ ] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[ ] I know how to shoot a gun.
[x] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[x] I eat fast food weekly.
[ ] I believe in ghosts.
[x] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[x] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[ ] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names
[ ] I'm good at remembering dates.
[ ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

[x] My answers are totally honest

this is totally awesome... XD aw well... can't help but kill time like this... XP

GAWD~

2006-02-05T09:27:00.001+08:00

Quote of the Day
"Never anticipate what others think of you"
"Nevr go to a pace where familiar people treat you unfamiliarly..."

GAWD! don't ever wanna go back to that hometown of mine anymore since the pepes there treat me as invisible and not existing anymore than you would ever wanna see like stepping across a rock or an ant... bloody hell, i hope they all get beer poisoning from the mix of drinks they were trying to "MIX MIZER" around ilke effed up DJs high on Marijuana... eesh... lucky i spiked their drinks on the last day... hehehehe... it's only fair since they don't treat me as one of them, plus, who cares if they die of poisoning or not.. i care not~ pfft, this year's Ang Pao ain't that nice, other than the amount i get from my relatives, only a couple of Ang Paos suffices the urge to beat the crap outta a coupld of the aragont beyotches that boasts of work, loove,relationship and most of all, their *not so great* drinking skills... man... puking in a bucket is cool with me... puking in a car is NOT cool... and i mean, really not cool, with all the gross new year's stuffs.... UGH! MAN! GET IT OUTTA MY HEAD!

Really... i prefer not to stay too close to them... bunch of smokers, gamblers and drunkards... most of all, fucktards... can't blame em... country folks can't behave themselves... but in front of other important guests... pfft... watch them as their masks start to come on and act out their *inner* bests for all to see... dang... i so hate to see that... anyways, i'm just glad to be back in SG... so much find a job, work my ass off and well, spend more time with my angel... ^-^ hehe... most of all, i can't help but think that my home town, is no longer a hometown... if i'm able to work throughout the year next year, i'ld opt for that since i'm no longer wanted there as a friend, until i'm high in a position that i can look down on them, i'ld never want to go back unless for special occasion... well... hopefully i can be a PR here too... XP looking for a job is easier... ^-^ aw well... fate is fate as it is... can't do anything about it also... XP KK, my diarrhea's not getting any better either, so i'm guessing i should be going to bed soon... not to mention, another 45 min to call my angel too... aw well... XD cheers and take care peps~ hope your CNY ain't as bad as mine... hahahah...

CNY~

2006-01-26T19:00:00.000+08:00

Quote of my Day
"Never let anyone do your planning for you, you might just end up having to listen to them..."

Well well... can't blame that i'm already going back to M'sia... till 4th i guess... hate to leave SG... it's so stupid to go back... All my aunt's fault, never asked my permission nor gotten my consent before buying the darn tickets... and yet she still dare to tell me it's my fault for not getting a job... WTF?! this has absolutely nothing to do with it loh... haiz... nvm lah... can't do anything about it already.. and i've already packed everything else... PFFT! I HATE TO GO BACK! that's where not really anyone likes me... nor do i like them... hypocrite people live there... PRACTICALLY EVERYONE IS SMILING IN YOUR FACE AND BEHIND THOSE MASKS, ARE EVIL PEOPLE! and yes, i can prove it to you too.... apparently, the only good people are the ones who are closer to me... and they are all very nice people... no one should talk bad about them or i WILL break you... haiz... i'mma gonna miss everyone... well, not everyone, but still... most of the people here... most of all, my angel... ^-^ aw well... 10 days without you will be hard toget by... hope i don't drink till i puke or start going into berserk mode... and yes... hopefully i don't eat so much heaty food till i start coughing out blood and suffering from nose bleed... hahaha, that'll be funny.. blood coming out from both ways... XD wondering when i'll start bleeding from the ears... XP okok, i'll stop being sadistic for once... i know that some people will msot prolly kill me personally for not taking care of myself... XP anyways, i hope i can get internet there... and yes... chat online too... aw well... love ya guys, especially my angel... ^-^

oh yes, one more thing, Happy Advanced Chinese New Year to you guys~ ^-^ till then... JYA~

Hehehehehehe...

2006-01-25T01:51:00.000+08:00

Quote of my Night
"Lets just say that one man's information,"
"is another man's misinterpretion..."

Looking at the past few days of events that has been happening to the number of people in my life, it seems apparent that no one's really getting anything right... well well well~ should i say "Busted!"? or should i just say that they are fools to begin with, letting the breadcrumbs of another person do the talking about things that never seem to happen the the majority of the people... hm... i wonder~ if the things that has been told are true? or is it that the things, regarding information is totally getting twisted and turned to it's grimmy side? haha... nothing is what it seems, that i have to let you off on this hook about things that you will never get right~ Can't blame that I've been bad mouthed by people who can't get their minds and apparently tongues wagging behind my back, well well~ if there is anything that you guys wanna say, at least say it in front of me, not like i'm going to turn all ugly and smack you in the face about it... I'm not such a bad person to throw a fist in your face first, so don't worry about it, say it in my FACE! i can dare you to do that... and i will let you throw the first punch since you find me that i'm CHEATING on the girls in your precious circle~ Aw well, if i AM, then WHY THE HELL AM I STILL BOTHERED ABOUT TALKING TO RETARDS LIKE THOSE WHO CAN"T GET THEIR INFORMATION CORRECT?! haha... makes the brain seems retarded in some ways~ aw well, can't tell much about people nowadays, the more you think about these matters, the more the brain cells degenerate at the rate of maggots chewing out your brain, if you have any to begin with... hehehehehe...

hehehehe... Shiki is never really needed, but when he is....

2006-01-23T22:10:00.000+08:00

Quote of my Crimson Tale
"Lets let the blood spill, the bodies fly and the death defy..."
"Lets let destruction reign..."

Pfft... What's with the people nowadays? can't they see that there are people who want to have their own private little lives?! HUH!? DON"T YOU GET THE POINT YOU RETARDS?! It seems like there are mouths blabbering and gaps tearing in their puny little minds, Can't take the hint that people DON'T WANT YOU TO INTERFERE! so just bug off and scram back to your little hiding holes while i take come control of the situation here, some people hate me for being with someone else, SO WHAT?! CAN"T YOU SEE THAT YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF HANDLING HER YOURSELF?! HUH?! LOSER~ so what if you hate me, so what if you hate her? come on.. hate is such a strong word for you, if you can't take the heat, FUCK OFF! it's not meant for me to turn this violent and start screaming in people's faces~ Hey, i'm never this nice guy anyways, Lets just say, I'm insane enough to break your arm... if i want to... and i'm insane enough to bite your flesh off... HAHAHA... Lets just say that i'm no longer myself when i want to...

BACK to the topic at hand, It's nothing that seems normal nowadays, so what if other people want to have their own little world? it's just them what, so what? you don't have to go blabberiong it out to everyone else in the whole wide world~ pfft... loudmouth anyone? pfft... can't anyone just see that it is up to them to decide on things of what they want to say and what they want you to hear... not like you should just pry them out with all your might, that's just stepping on someone's toes... don't step on mine.. I'm not a mama's boy, coz i ain't got one... hehehhehee... let me just get it straight to your face, Don't... Piss... Me... Off... LOUD AND CLEAR! so yar, lets just let hell rule over what your mouth shoots, and watch where you shoot them, coz Shiki is listening... hehehe...

The need for "it"...

2006-01-22T00:45:00.000+08:00

Quote of my Night
"Everyone has a need for something..."
"I have my need for "it" but i can't have "it" freely..."
"What is your need?"

I'm feeling that i have a craving for "it"... apparently, it's hard to come by, don't worry, it's not a drug or sorta it's just something that's flowing in everyone... just so fresh... so... warm... so tasty... i can't seem to take my eyes off "it"... certainly it's hard to come by... and no, i don't just anyhow go everywhere biting everyone jsut coz i need "it"... and i'm losing control of myself inside... apparently, i almost lost myself just now when someone stood in my way... i swore i almost reached out to grab her neck and bite down on her... dang... lucky my angel was there... bleh... she even said that i was having a perverted look on my face... hahaha... damn... did i really look that perverted instead of evil? lol... might as well be puting up a perverted evil show look than an evil being gonna-take-your-life look... haha... but hell, i'm just looking for wounds to suck on now... at least the adrenaline is not so high already.... heck... i think i'll just go drink some water or something...

Today was pretty fun, going shopping with Vera and Helena... haha... apparently we went from going shopping, to Arcade in Bugis there... hehe... so sianz... me wish that i can play better on the drum machine... can't seem to be able to get my beats better... can't seem to improve with every play too... must be coz i never really play for a long time ler bah... aw well... hoping that i'm not sadistic enough to spoil the machine unlike the few people who played today... apparently, the pads were spoilt, somehow or rather... i'm feeling sad for the pads... but heck... hopefully i can try harder~ GAMBATTE YO~ XD a little sickly feeling in my head now... should be resting soon also... and yar.. i got a "souvenior" from the restaurant we ate just now with Marc, Tim and my angel... ^-^ most peps already know about us liao lah. so not really a big deal anymore loh... haha... ok lah... until next tie... take care everyone~ and thanks Marc for the diinenr, although it should be us paying for you... XD

RP open house

2006-01-17T21:46:00.000+08:00

Quote of my Day
"Friend sometimes can be cruel to you"
"But know that within them are those who are GREAT to you"

Yes, i know, it's been long since i last updated my blog, plus, it's just that i've been helping out Yuki chan and Envy chan with their Republic Poly open house, Jap I.G. if i'm not wrong... lol... had loads of fun with them... girls are friendly, guys are funny and so damn lame, can always lame together with them, missing their laughter and lameness already... although we only knew each other for like 4 days officially, it feels like it's been a whole lifetime since we were friends, hope to see them again in future though... haha.... maybe we could all get together for some events lah... maybe my Bday chalet with Tim or something... haha... would love to have them over to come play, chat and joke around too... the atmosphere around them is so light that it makes a normal person light headed... haha... i donnou... maybe that's why i'm like an airhead these 4 days... haha... but still, it's been fun...

Ah... wondering hows it gonna feel when work starts... friends will be changed, times will be different, normal friends will be hard to come by to get out together... events will have to be sacrificed or something, hope i don't ge tthat kinda dammed engineering jobs that my aunt wants me to do... absolutely hate to have no social life... and she wants me to sacrifice my social circle for work... and she claims that friends are easy to look for... like i can live with that... i rather choose my friends over my work... i'm a person who can't live without friends... if i have to be alone, i'll just end up having absolutely no friends at all... not wanting to have any contact more than just seriious work only... ignoring everything that's not according to work... and yes... totally become who i don't wnat to be... end up hating everything that's fun and all... sigh,... my aunt wants me to turn into that kinda person i guess... hate her more and more these day... but hell... i think she wants me to do that "for my own good".... aw man... pfft... totally messed up in my mind now... being a M'sian is so hard... can't get a proper job these days without scrutiny of aunt and well.... everything of the government... hate all thes policy and politics... wtf's with the world anyways... sigh... this sucks...

hm... aw welll...

2006-01-10T20:45:00.000+08:00

Quote of my Day
"Take my hand... I'll lead you on..."
"Take my word, I'll speak for you..."
"Take my heart, I'll love you forever..."

I don't know... i've been looking through some old conversations of some old friends, whom i shall not name, don't worry, it's school friends... and i was thinking... hm... how can i be so naive to think that i will stay with only 1 girlfriend throughout my life? at that point in my life, it seems so logical that the girl i was seeing then used to be with me for lenghts of times, through thick and thin, through the difficult times and all... even willing to wait for her like 6 hours with nothing to do... hm... aw well, it really got me thinking... love sures is the slowest form of suicide... can't blame it on the fact that i was totally love sick that time.. haha... like an evil drug or shadow slowly draining away what i have left of my freaking fucked up life.. but now, it seems not to be a problem... i still am having a hard time trying to cope with the fact that some things in life aren't what they seem to be... and well, at other times, they are harder to predict then you would normally just sweep aside...

Living in fear of seeing myself fall too deep into something that i might never get out of, i think i'm starting to leave a backdoor open just in case i ever start to do things that are not meant for me to do, die-ing without dying, bleeding without blood... the things that seems not normal to a healthy 20? 21? years old guy... haha.... i donnou lah... haiz... just taking one step at a time each time i go into the game of life every morning i wake up from... why can't life be like a video game? sigh... donnou leh... pick up treasures? kill monsters? haha... i donnou.... never seem to be a normal life after all that i have... hm...

Gonna be Mark's birthday soon woh... hoping that he's enjoying his 21st birthday in camp... XD but hell, journey into adulthood woh... it's a good thing that he's got a job now... i still can't get any... well, technically, i won't be getting any since i will be going back to M'sia for the new year... sigh... just wish that i can stay in SG instead.... all the peps back in M'sia will be asking me "Why never bring GF back argh?" either i'ld just ignore that question or just plainly ignore them... WHAT? expect me to beat them to death with my HP? lol... can't be bothered lah... every year also like that... bleh...

Also, good piece of news, gonna be mine and Time's birthday chalet soon also woh... hoping that it's somewhat before i find a real job... i want a job, but not at the expense of my journey into adulthood woh... hahaha... getting a job, moving out to stay on my own... wouldn't that be nice... haha... god the impression that i want to use the money earned to get a TV in my room, and well, a PS2... by that time, it'll be a PS3 already loh... hahha... won't have time to play loh... tire myself out only... hehe... maybe letting myself get the benifit of going out and hanging out... i donnou... bring a couple of friends back and well, just chill loh... own domain woh... aw well.. XD
see how first... XP gotta go take a rest liao... tired seh... take care~

Time to update again.... hm...

2006-01-08T12:50:00.000+08:00

Quote of my Night

"Never anticipate what you deem wrong"
"Only expect the unexpected to happen"

Pfft... time seems to be on the standstill where opinions are getting clouded by reasoning and reasoning is tainted by the past of things that have happened... Am i being too sensitive to things that have yet-to-come? or am i just being paranoid... i don't have to think much anymore than i have to now, not now that people are trying to make me look in a direction where depression starts and hapiness ends... hm... Things seem fine the way they are day before, days before that and days before those that are said... But in the end, reasoning seems to not be in the click of opinions anymore as it becomes unclear of the current situation where i stand and where my hapiness stands... Maybe i should be thinking about other things, but it sems like my head is not playing my game and decides to put me in a cell measuring 13 meters by 31 meters with nothing but reverses of everything that i find stupid... stupidity loves company as well as misery... can i just hope that nothing else happens like last time that it did? or should i just pray to the nonlistening ear of the Lord and let my grief be swallowed up by myself?

Maybe time is against me now... Maybe my friends will not stand up for me, maybe i will fall alone again, maybe i will just have to skulk alone in the corner while my mask alone will take over what i see is yet another prospective in looking at things that will happen in the near future? who knows what i running through my mind now... my heart feels heavy... my chest feels empty... my head feels bloated... my senses feels like an array of colors mixed into one and ending up with the darkest of colors, Black...

Soon to be, myself will somehow change into a person who will never again think straight, do things accorrdingly and turn against everyone in the events of being in a big group of people...

I will be alone yet again... but i hope not to be like that... I should just let the rest of the future tell themselves out rather then go forsee them like i would... hm...

pfft... angry angry Continue from last post...

2006-01-03T09:56:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Never do things that allows others to make a fool outta you with a snapshot..."

Ok, I got what Ryan was talking about and yes, it is disgusting, moreover, the pic was so badly drawn that i can hardly take it into my mind that he wants to depict that pic as a part of my body... I should either be feeling proud that he said something about me, or angry that he made a fool outta me... can't reallly be bothered to think properly now... am very dissappointed that my legs were drawn orange with scribbles on it, with a short, hairy and crooked dick, with a thing/helluva-fugly-fish-looking-creature/i-don't-want-to-know-wtf-this-creature-is/frankenstein creature looking like a snake thingy with no eyes... eating what he made it to be semen... wtf's wrong with the person drawing it?!~ i can tell you wtf is wrong with the person... he needs to either go get himself a rooftop pass to climb up to the top of the highest building in the world and jump off from it with no saftey and hit headfirst into the floor, shattering his miserable skull for a head and most probably, you can find a brain the size of a peanut, and yes, i'm saying PEANUT sized brain...

It is seriously gonna affect my sex life dude... and i'm really in the "suggestive" mode before I go into "Termination" Mode and start re-learning my hacking skills to "kill" your account... together with your comp with maybe a worm or backdoor... but what i would love to do now is infect your comp and kill all your data first... then afterwhich, make sure you'll never touch that computer again... jokes that depict green dick/godzilla-that-overtook-mickey-mouse-in-disney-joke/stupidifed-hotmail-login is ok as they just means that the person who's joked around is just being gay for once... but hell, jokes that depict people's ORANGE leg with SHORT, HAIRY AND CROOKED DICK HAVING THEIR SEMEN EATEN BY A FUCKED UP MISERABLE ATTEMPT TO CALL IT A SNAKE , is totally NOT funny and plus, it's disgusting looking...

And no, i'm not gonna kill you bro, i know it's for fun, but seriously, please, i'm being nice here now, please remove it after a while... or i'll be forced to be my other self and really have to hurt someone... I may be sociable, but please no, don't let me turn violent... Thanks...

Sentosa trip!

2006-01-03T00:16:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Always put on sun tan lotion no matter if there is a Sun or not..."
"Sunburn is not, I repeat, NOT fun..."

Dang, today was fun, Sentosa trip... so tired... so painful, Sunburn, it sucks to be peeling... or should i say "Shedding"... LOL! the color of my skin is totally brown now... although there was no sun, the UV rays still somehow "showed up" and gave me a bad sunburn.. >_< Ryan's blog and i heard that i'mma gonna kill him after he updates his blog... and i really have no idea... neither does the special someone on the phone now who refuses to slp more than 4 hours at a time... so yar... XD

Anyways, it's fun today with alot of sand throwing and loads of people trying to drown each other... but in the end, we drowned each other in our voices with screaming... XD also there are lots of items being lost to the massive sea... XD anyways, i wish to really slp now... can't type much liao... Eyes are so heavy... maybe i should just go to slp now and like update tml...

^-^

2006-01-01T12:42:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Everlasting moments spent are everlasting moments together"
"To spend eternity together, is to live forever in each other's hearts"

I'm glad that it's a new year already... some wishes came true, some didn't, but wondering at the wonderful world of imagination, i rought myself back to earth and told myself... life is what you can see, touch, taste and feel, not just something that happens in a moment in time and goes through the senseless thinking that you'll make them all come true... One moment's in time could change everything though, just that you might not know when it'll hit you....

Last night was wonderful, with friends and somehow family... haha... ?Met mark and Tim, with Subash and Alvin at the bungie ball thingy at clark quay there... it was rather fun when the ball went rolling from your side towards your front, making you fall face/head first, that was helluva fun thing to do though... but all in all, not really scary... Mark was screaming like a little girl and subash, who is in the middle was screaming like a little piggy that went to the slaughterhouse... XD Later at the later part of the night, went to Macs to get something to eat... Big Mac~ yum yum yum... Fries and all... LOL! threw some of the half eatern fries at Mark and Tim, a.k.a Cow and Chicken respectively coz they were teasing me... bloody arseholes... XD

After that went to this club/pub called Coco latte~ weird place... but still, dumped Subash in there with her BF and his friends and her friend... can't rmb the name... but heck... XD she's ok ok, rather friendly... just that she didn't and will never hear me saying "Hi" to her... LOL... anyways, after that, half of the gane, excluding Subash and her side.. XD went to Esplanade there... FIREWORKS~ awesome and nice...

Opening came a little slow... middle part was awesome, the best parts are still at the end with the continuous splatterign and burting and booming of colors! awesome to the core and i had the pleasure of spending it with you guys...

Special moments that will never be taken away from me, never will anyone be there to cheer with me, never will there be anyone to laugh with me, never will there be the best of friends and the best of everything there with me as we all laugh in union as one and throw away our worries, our sorrow and our pains into the wind as they fly together with the fireworks and dissappear in a shimmering light of colors that never in a whole lifetime be taken away from my memories... I live, therefore I treasure...

That's pretty much it of what happens yesterday night... damn nice, everything's awesome... Definitely special moments embbeded into my memories... ^-^ Happy new year minna san... ^-^

hm...

2005-12-28T23:00:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Thinking about the problem doesn't mean that you've solved it"
"it just only means that you have found a way to solve it..."

So long since i last updated... so many things happening these few days, happy and sad, lovely and painful, and the most important of things, i've found something that i should've seen a long time ago, it's a secret on that but no one knows it other than a few people... haha... not that it's a biggie, but hey, at least it's something that no one will really want to keep it long, maybe for a couple of months... maybe for half a year, but hey, it's something exciting... XP had a time of my life for that brief moment in time... can't think of it but enjoyed every moment of it... haha... oh yar, been playing my DS for a couple of days already... currently addicted to Animal Crossing: Wild World, anyone want to come into my town or anyone want me to visit their town? XD just pop on by in my tagbox and see if ican get you on Nitendo WFC or anywhere within range.... XD

Things seems to be a little slow these few days, i hope that the nets card that i'm holding is forever already... hope my aunt doesn't take it back... T^T it feels so ... well... empty without it... hahah... need to get stuffs also canot... but still, i have to save up for my own.. XP must think of the future too you know... XD it's not like i will spend it all... *hopefully...* HAHAHA... and yar... not been spaming in the forums for a whie already... preoccupied with other things in mind and in hand... New year's coming and it's creeping around the corner... and when you don't notice it, POP! it comes straight in your face and bites you in the neck... LOL... and yar... new year's resolution... to earn money... XD to get a job straight after coming back to SG after visiting my folks in M'sia, about near begining of Feb bah... but hell, that's a long time to be asking for a time like that... aw well... but heck, it's not something that you can bear... 8 HOURS JOURNEY! WILL DIE LEH! lucky me got DS... will occupy my time if can... XD oh yar, lets do a New Year Countdown though! it'll be fun... XD anyways, anything just pop me a msg in my tagboard~ i'll reply it ASAP~ XP and yes, please those who just poped on by for the first time and wants to link me, DO leave your blog add behind so i can get to you... XD thanks~

New Year Countdown:
3 Days

^-^

2005-12-24T10:14:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Being in love is like being on drugs..."
"Being in depression is like being in the complete breakdown of your nervous system..."

LOL... i'm just being lame there with my quotes... coz maybe it's just time to stop trying and start wishing that i will get a gf soon... lol... santa is being lame this year anyways... XD okok... let see where i left off 5 days ago... well.... i went shopping for the sentosa trip and ended up buying stuffs that are completely outta my budget and burning holes in my bank account... >_< bleh.... planning to buy another game or something if i can later... XP oh yar, the sentosa trip is too damn way cool loh... me want another outing like that again! XD everyone's happy, everyone's playing together, ruby getting her usual dose of BBBBB! XD and well, arcades at the end of the day, bikini clad girls running around, judith looking like a sun baked tomato, metal face with her usualy biting... XD new members and people we know... ^-^ more friends to the circle mah... XD Charsaur... sorry, should be char siew and ever blue... LOL... my fav imouto, yuki, steevan~ XD kagari and plenty of others, sorry for not naming you guys, if next time i get the name list, i'll just pop it in... XD

Then yesterday went over to imouto's place to cook shepard's pie and all, hopefully i taste ok... >_< kaasan got into a little "gay" problem with imout's little brother... ugh... then imouto tio scolding sia... haiz... nvm lah... hopefully they don't scream at each other liao... don't wnat to double as a bouncer leh... XD oh yar, today must really go buy a prezzie for kaasan'sparty later at 8.... and kaoz, Marc they all no party today leh... maybe tonight thon at kaasan's place... so must charge all my electrical gadgets! XD entertain myself throughout the night! WOOT~ XD k lah, anything just pop me a MSN message loh... and talking about which, MSN IS REALLY CRAPPY NOWADAYS! WEIRD SHIT MAN!

WAHAHAHAHAH! PWNT!

2005-12-19T22:22:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"always check with your local retailer about the pricing..."
"not every store has the same bundle"

LOL! YES~ me got a Nitendo DS~ after thinking for so long, finally decided to get it since a PSP will burn a HUGE hole in my bank account and my pocket, I CAN"T STAND THE PAIN OF LOSING $500 A DAY SIA!... yes... i spent about $100 more coz must play game, eat and also buy web cam... haiz... nvm lah... still worth everything... but hey, it's not like i spend my money everyday... but hell... ME WANT TO SPEND MORE! but cannot... since i so need to work liao... yup yup, save money for the future! hehe.... and stilll on the way, buy stuffs to play as welll... HAHAHAH!!! but hell, me cannot play DS in front of my aunt, she'll kill me... then she'll ask loads of questions about what it is, who'se it is, how much and all... tehn she'lll point the finger at me and find out that i bought it.... SIANZ LIAO LOH! haiz.... but hell... tonight no sleep liao... MUAHAHAHH!!! PLAY DS!!!!!!! MORE DS!!!!!!!!!! JUMP HEROS! WOOT!

Me wubbing my DS now... and yes, Lenne is back! lol... <3 i donnou, but i'm like in the hunting zone now... until i get a GF, i'll be in hte hunting zone... woot~ who wants to get into this zone tell me also woh! XD me come find you~ XD and yes, thursday got SENTOSA TRIP! me bought a present for the present exchange liao... hope that on that day can get to see loads of people and also get presents! WOOT~ it'll be fun.... this week is a power packed week woh~ XD way cool~ can't wait to get my web cam working nad my greasy fingers on the touch screen of my DS... YES! MINE!!! MINE!!! ALL MINE!!! WOOT~

2005-12-17T15:03:00.000+08:00

Quote of My Day
"Unbreaking someone's heart is easier said than done..."
"What has been broken can almost never be meant again..."

LOL check out this link! it's soo cool and it actually IS true most of the time... XD i love my hand writting... XP

What does your handwriting say about YOU?

And yar seemly theres a problem with my Imouto and kyudai... they broke up... silently i wait for both of them to get back together, but in the end... it seems like they will never be fine together... haiz... no wonder the little squirt has been msging me recently... haiz... seems like it's not meant to be bah... aw well... at elast i knwo that i'lll be there for her and him... donnou why they want to do this... seems like these days, relationships are dropping like flies... hope that they are not hurt too deep like myself... one says he's ok, but he's broken inside, the other says she's not ok, and still, she's willing to show the brave side and yar.. you know the sttory... aw well... i don't really know enoguh to judge what i find is bad for the both of them, but all i know is that there are some things that should be left unsaid and undone... not to bother with or it may become worst then ever... so yar.... i'm leaving everything to imouto to deal with it herself... just that i'll be the pillar that if she wants any support... aw well, a big brother's got to look after the small ones no? XD

gawd.... i hate people...

2005-12-13T21:22:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Listening to people have adversed effect..."
"plans made without your concent should just all burn in hell..."

I hate my life... i hate God.... most prolly, i hate everyone on this earth who try to psycho me into doing things that i don't like... why can't i have a normal family in Singapore? why do i have to be born in M'sia and in the end, can't get a single job that i like?! why can't i just kill someone and get away with it?! why can't i just kill myself and get away with it also?! i hate my aunt who is trying to make me "make use of your diploma and get a job that's related to Marine line! " and her "get a job after new years, i want you to go back to M'sia to visit your elders" if not, she'ss start saying stuffs that are totally unrelated such as "I'll see how you live next time, without your family!" or stuffs taht concerns everything and connects everything to me like " I hope you have a heart, don't even want to visit your elders, you will die with guilt in your heart" crap that i so don't want to hear... why can't she just be a normal aunt and let me do my stuffs? let me get a GF without getting all guilty with bringing her home? let me buy mangas without having to listen to your lectures? let me freakin fuck myself in the head with all my games... why why WHY?!

This is just so stupid... I want a job that i like and i want to start now... earn some money, save some money... and buy stuffs that i like... why can't i do that and you still want me to go back M'sia? and you want me to hide from the Government the fact that i found a job? I hate to do that... you tell me not to lie to anyone in the past... and now you WANT ME TO LIE TO THE GOVERNMENT?! WTF ARE YOU THINKING?! you are being such a selfish whore... damn you for being like that... i hope you burn in hell for this....

Sigh... This is a lonely life here... no gf to even comfort me... sometimes, i just look at the things that Vic gave me, and think to myself... am i really that bad? yes i do like her, but still, i really can't take the fact that i am doing this to her and not letting her into my life.... heck... can i just die now please? I want another person... i want one who is somewhat like Vic, a little like Kula, somehow like Yuki, with a dash of Lenne, add in a little Sayuki, sprinke of Aries, dilute it a little with Inuran, spice it up with ice_princess, let is simmer a little with Chibified_Kitsune and a little of everything.... can i just get a clonning machine and clone myself so everyone who wants a piece of me can get it? i can't smile anymore... i can't think anymore... i wish i can just slit my wrists and die bleeding and forget about everything... Fuck the world, Fuck the society, Fuck family, Fuck everything that breaths on this world... I hate everything... coz no one understands me...

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK EVERYTHING! I HATE EVERYTHING!

ARH!!!!! STUPID BLOGGER!!!

2005-12-12T22:15:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Blooger obviously hates me... it shorten my posts to so little..."

And so i sit here, trying to make sense of what heppened to my posts... and they are all gone for no reason... it's been edited to so short instead of a essay... but to those that read it, thanks for understanding my situation, to sthouse who don't, forget it, i'm not gonna say anymore... XD

Notice the increase in the number of friends' blogs that appread in my tags? XD well, i've added a few due to the reason that most people don't update theirs anymore from the old list... XD and thus the adddition! XD today was rather ok bah... one handed swordsman doing his thing all over again... but i think the right hand is sprained liao bah... not to mention i spaced out coz i was thinking about loads of things... XD talked to a couple of peps on MSN though... some good convos and some lousy ones who just dissappeared for no reason at all.. .XD but still, i've got one that makes me feel warm and fuzzy... ^-^ you know who you are... XD oh yar hor... thinking of which... the weather's been really weird these few days... warm sometimes, cold at other times... BLEH~

And here i am, sitting here half naked talking about halfnaked renjis... XD chibi imouto, aka metal face is obsessed with them... ugh... weirdo... XD anyways, time to go slp liao... arms hurting too much... a little buay tahan liao... XD

che..... maganantekinai....

2005-12-12T08:14:00.000+08:00

Quote of my Night
"Limits are for people who are weak..."
"Break them... physically or mentally..."

Had an ok night at first... then ended up having the most horrible nightmare that i ever had... it's not a funny thing though... If i rmb properly, it's still ok in the day, i'll put up the checkliist of the day here then.... sigh...

Morning; went out with Mark to shop for a christmas present for our best bro Timon the turkey, aka Timothy... his present is a valuable and costly one though... XD considering the fact that he really needs that kinda things instead of other stuffs... PLUS! we got him a nice color too... XD orange in the outside and well... PUKE GREEN IN THE INSIDE! XDDDDD BRO! YOU GONNA LOVE THIS! XD after that was shopping around for my present when i decided not to spend too much money for Mark and pointed ot a wallet shop... it's a way cool shop you know, and i've beeen eyeing that wallet for so long i think my eyes already have dried up just for that... It's a whooping $80! but still, Mark paid $60 for it due to a voucher? i don't really know, but he told me he got mine for $20 lesser than the usauly price! Last time the thing was like felt better leh... donnou why this time round, it feels so.... well... soft.... but heck, i <3>_> anyways, lesser of that.... Started to officailly talk to Kula about stuffs liao... no matter what, she wants to braid my hair... weird... make me look good for next year Cosfest? XD aw well, can't blame, Ivan's idea... since hes my bro, i'll do it with him! XD and Taku's gonna do Paradise Kiss! XD but heck, i still donnou what will he look like.... and what the characters look like... -___-||| hell, during the convo, i noticed that i started to cough out blood.... i wonder why... lucky my aunt's aslp... or she'll kill me... >_< style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">

why why why?!

2005-12-09T20:30:00.000+08:00

Quote of my Day
"Don't push me... please don't push me.... I don't want it to be this way..."
"Why do you have to do this to me?"

It seems farfetched to have my aunt scolding me for getting a job that i like... ain't all jobs the same? ain't all jobs have to be started small? ain't it fair to work in a restaurant? she's complaining about me not getting a job one moment... and the next when i find one, she's complaining that i should utilize my cert for another job... and not to mention, reprimand me for it... WTF?! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?! the first thing is you tell me that i should get a job, then i told you i would find one that i like and would like to do... in the end, you give me this kinda attitude and say i shouldn't get it?! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! WHY WOULD YOU MEAK ME SUFFER THIS FATE?! I DON"T WANT TO WORK IN YOUR FUCKED UP ENGINEERING SECTOR! GET IT?!

You'll never get to know me as well as you know yourself... you tell me that you aer supporting the family and everything... well, let me tell you, when i start working, i'll be trying to support myself, but you end up telling me about me supporting a family, SHOULDN'T THE WIFE BE WORKING AS WELL?! WHAT DO YOU THINK SHE'S DOING AT HOME? ROTTING AND SHAKING HER LEGS WAITING FOR MONEY TO FALL INTO HER LAP?! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Will you just sto and smell the flowers for once and i hope you cleared your nasal passage of all the radical and stupid thinking of yourself and yourself only... The world is different now... not like your world where everything lesser than $1500 is unemployable... you make it sound so easy to get a job that i like and more then $$1500 pay... this is ridiculous... it saddens me to see that your attitude has changed for the worst... from young, you have screwed the idea into me, from young, you have told me that i have to think for myself... and i am not... i'm just putting interest and work together so i won't have to feel the stress of working... and i told you i like working in the service industry... what did you say to me? you said something irrelevant...

Christ... i'm either pissed off or sad about this fact... can you at least try to understand that this nephew of yours is trying to strive out on his own?~ you said that i'm so inexperienced... YES I AM! FOR CHRIST SAKES, IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S BUILT IN INTO ME THAT I WILL FIND THIS CERTAIN JOB WITHIN A CERTAIN TIME AND WORK MY ARSE OFF?!?! and you told me taht i would do this for 5 years and go do what i like.... wtf... 5 years... and you tell me 5 yeas... i'll be in the grave 6 feet under before i can do what i like... FUCK YOU! it's so obvious that you only want me to supoport the whole family... it's so fucking obvious that you only want me to do things that YOU WANT ME TO DO! FUCK OFF! This is my own life... I live it my way... 5 years from now, i'll already be 26 and 26 year olds are nothing but greying bitches rotting in the sun and waiting for some scavengers to come peck at my flesh from my bones... this is so fucking retarded... and i don't even have an outlet to let out all my anger and sadness anymore... you'll never understand me with you breathing down my neck demanding that i do things YOUR way.... so just FUCK OFF my back... before i hit you with my injured arm that you never knew was injured... bloody aunts... wreak my dreams...

LOL! check out the pic! XD

2005-12-07T17:36:00.000+08:00

LOL... nothing much, just happy with the fact that there's still a femine version and side of me... XD WORSHIP THE POWER OF PHOTOSHOP! XD plus, it was taken on my HP leh... XD then edited with PS... <3 bishieness... XD

Some random thoughts...

2005-12-07T09:55:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Names should be treasured... people with no names are just lost and fallen..."
"Lets give them a name so that they will stand up again... ^-^"

Recently there has been many things that's got to do with identity, names, depression and moreover, stuffs that are never gonna concern people who have them, so yar, let them speak for themselves... lol... anyways, people who don't have names or even an identity is just well, lost... i mean, look at the fact that people who don't even remember their names after getting amnesia will just be put away and classify as anonyonmous *i got that once before... so yar, don't ask me how, but i hope i don't get it again... it's just horrible...* from my point of view, people who don't have a name is just lost and confused and have fallen pretty hard... let us just help them by giving them a name, let them have that little strength to stand up again... even if they don't want to, DRAG THEM UP! XD j/k... well, this kinda things, only they themselves can do, but along the way, they should at least know that there are others standing there along side them to help them pick themselves up... we have depended on others for a long time already *technically, i haven't, so forget about my case and concentrate on the matters at hand...* shouldn't we just let them pull us up too? If the strength is not enough, ask... if not, don't just stuff all the frustration on yourself and bottle up everything, i know how it feels, so don't bother screaming in my face that i don't know... Dependent or independent, it all comes to the situation of yourself... YES! YOURSELF! so go on and stand up on your own two feet, if you can't do it now, you can always do it a few days later, but don't take forever... nothing will wait for you forever... ^-^

If ever there was a need to do something right, i think the time is right now woh, this is for someone out there and i think she might just be looking and reading this now... one thing to tell you is that, no matter how life has it's ups and downs, let it roll you around, it's not gonna cost you an arm... ^-^ the most you get a few brusies and scratches, patch them up and you'll be on your way... don't worry if you can't take the pain and frustration, there are always someone out there to listen to you... *YOURS TRULY! lim beh buay hiao bai sia~ XD*

And this other message is to the other someone out there, I'll still get you that damn cheeze cake! and don't let me guess your birthday leh... damn sianz of guessing liao... girls always make guys guess and keep guessing no matter what... actually, guys also do that... but heck... AW WELL... XD

This one is to thank Taku for sending all those links of Sean Connery and the rests of the darn SNL videos... WAS LAUGHING MY ASS OFF THE WHOLE NIGHT! XD people spells Therapists as therapists, but Sean Connery spells it as The Rapists! XD WTFLOLWTHROFLMFAOBBQ! that was so awesome man! XD

This one is to thank my bro Ivan for showing me his pic in a GL costume... >_> you killed my braincells last night you do know what? LOL but hell, can't wait to see you in GL COSTUME! MUAHAHAHHA! maybe i'll crossdress and don a GL COSTUME WITH YOU IF I CAN FOR A PRIVATE PHOTOSHOOT! XD that's only for your sake... XD and don't worry, i won't send out that pic you send me.... MUAHAHAHA! oh yes, one more thing, i hope your skin condition gets better! ^-^

This one..... erm.... i also donnou liao.... just hope that everyone's happy the way they are, if not, i'll try to make you happy if possible... AND BE A BAD BOY AND RUIN ALL OF YOUR FREAKIN LIVES! MUAHAHHA XD SING WITH ME!

Joy to the World
Mata edition

Joy to the world,
The school is burnt~
And all it's teachers' too~
The principal's on fire~
The DM's a charred corpse~
oh what a sight to see~
oh what a stench to smell~
of arsonists and pyro maaaaaniiiiiiiiaccccsssss~

MUAHAHAHAHHAAH!!!
well, don't worry, i don't burn people alive... i just burn toilets... XD

ARGH!

2005-12-06T23:28:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Listen with your eyes and speak with your hands..."
"it does miracles!"

Well, nothing much today, except that i went out with my Ex, who asked me to follow her to some interviews and teach her theory or something... kaoz... want my life sia you.... ask me to "translate" so many pages and stuffs... bleh.... But hell, the interview was nice though... walk in one leh... NYdc woh.. the person who asked us questions seem rather interested leh... not to mention, they need some people in the kitchen area... HOT FOOD! HERE I COME! XD but with my hand like that, i doonnou if can tahan anot... just now bandaged my wrist liao, actually wanted to put the triangular one... but then... better not bah... i took it off for the interview... sibeh sianz.. pain all the way through heaven and hell... NAH BEI~ and it was the freaking longest 1/2 hrs ever man... aw well... but heck, i can tahan through all night, i miht as well tahan through all day also... XD

After everything went to Far East there to find ice_princess's GL shop... WHA! new stock leh! so damn nice! a black GL dress with red crosses! <3<3<3 and someone's gonna wear it on EoY! WAHAHAHA... and i submitted my artwork to her liao, her mom not in the shop, so i gave it to her loh.... then went to KFC there to teach her loh... but while she was having her dinner, i drew another one, looks bishie... i think i'll just continue drawing bishie guys... XD they are my Fav now... and anyways, taught her the needed stuffs for her examinations, then ok, back to finishing my drawing, WAH~ SO NICE! too bad cannot take pic and post here... lol... oh yea, after that, went to Cathy to find inuran, she not in again... heck care liao... my ex went along to Bits and pieces to find accessories... doubt she'll find it there.... but hey... it's her hobby.. or something... went up to the arcade to find Fadzli they all and see if they are playing anot... but heck... no one there except a fat bastard dancing like nobody's business... too many actions, too ugly... sorry... too FUGLY!

Saw Masa chan on the way outta there to go home, he was with his friend, so just said a hi and told him about my wrist condition, and that's pretty much about that... lol... if got anything, i'll update again... and please.... let me have the job i interviewed for this time! COOKING! $5.5/hr! WOOT! better than KFC or Macs... but heck, it'll increase after 3 months of probation! WAHAHHA... YOU"LL SEEE! I"LL GET IT! MUAHAHAAH!

1 handed man!

2005-12-06T00:55:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Never poke fun into short people, they anger easily..."
"XD PWNX00R!"

Hehehe.. at least today got to do something else with one hand! i learnt how to eat leftovers with one hand and multi task at the same time... roxxor! XD btw, i think i'm getting more and more retarded by each day, not to mention, getting myself into more trouble due to that... maybe it's meant to be bah... hehe... but still at least i think the ligaments are sticknig together, delievery is always late, *as usual...* EoY is coming, works is still not found, just gotten bitten by an insect that's the size of a nail clipper... *dang it hurts... gd thing i squashed it...* still no drumming practice session for me today coz someone was still screaming in my ear to stop making my hand even worst... lol... and doing pracaticaly everything with one hand... donnou how long will it take to heal... my aunt still doesn't know... gd thing... or she'll drag me to the sinseh... X_x... btw, eating with a spoon seems nice too for a change... chopsticks must utilize both your hands... or you'll be eating outta your bowl like a dog... well... i AM a dog apparently... aw well... heck care... nothing much really, just been hungry for stuffs lately tooo...

Created a new combo for Testament from GGX, it's darn cool, donnou if anyone understands this, but you can always try to...

214P + 236K + D ^ (Air Combo)*can be P+K+S ^ P+K+S*

the aircombo part, me not really able to do due to the hand... can't use my fingers that well on my right hands anyways...theoratically speaking, the combo will work... but when i'm done with my hand, i'll pwnx00r you people! XD

Been talking to her today, at least she's still ok... haha... *like she won't be like that... eesh... * anyways, she went to see Takeshi Kanashiro in action, Musical or something... he's so cool in that samurai game itself *sry lah... forgot the name liao*... <3>_< aw well, hope to see everybody at EoY then... hopefully can still get my money from Taka and enter EoY.. $12 leh! Kaoz... will die one leh.... X_x

juz some random quizzes...

2005-12-04T16:59:00.000+08:00

You are a Scorpio, born in the midst of fall. Your
sign is the sign of transformation. You think
very deeply, and people usualy don't know the
real "you". You are determined,
protective, focused, brilliant, self-sufficent,
magnetic, brave, unbreakable, open-minded,
loyal, strong, and sensitive!! Unlike other
signs you have three, yes three, symbols; 1) an
eagle,which soars high, is proud, and very
protective. 2) a magical phoenix, with the
ability of rebirth(through the greatest
challenges of life). 3) and finally a scorpion,
whose fierce loyalty makes a great firend and
sekks revenge when betrayed!! The scorpion also
symbolizes self-defense and self-protection!

-your lucky colors are chrimson(the color of
passion) and black(the color of power)

-your metal is platonium(<-----ah its
radioactive!!)

-your precious stone is topaz

-your day of the week is tuesday

-your element is water

-the part of the body that you rule is your
reproductive organs *giggle*

-and your best love matches are a virgo, cancer,
pices, or a tourus

What is Your TRUE Astrology Sign? (for guys and girls with incredibly detailed answers and incredible pictures+READ MEMO PLEASE)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a Wolf thing. Most likely, your the leader
in your group of friends. People respect you
because of your wisdom and courage. Even though
you may have a few close friends, sometimes it
still feels a bit lonely. Instead of running a
muck outside, your probably inside studying or
reading a book. People may consider you a
loner, but friends and family are the most
important to you.
This picture is awesome.

What type of half animal thing are you? (cool anime pics+ 7 results)
brought to you by Quizilla

hm... untitled again? donnou...

2005-12-04T14:39:00.000+08:00

Quote of the Day
"Never clean your room with a vaccum cleaner..."
"you might not know that your stuffs have been sucked into the damn machine..."

yet another day or boringness... nothing to do other than household chores and gaming... not the best of everything, but hell beats the crap outta being stupid and die or something like that... HQ's late on delievery again... bloody hell, i can't get my medication like that you know you lazy bastards! pfft... Assignments have been getting a little too much these days, not that I can't handle it, just that they never seem to send lesser and lesser each and everytime that it comes... too lazy bah... bleh... last night was a horror... a nightmare... couldn't even sleep a wink... keeps thinking about that matter, but heck, it's over already... don't know what i should do now anyways... get along with life and heck care about the rest? or just take my own damn self and run across the rest of the people with my attitude... bleh... best to just stay in teh back ground and let the rest do all the talking and dissappearing when not needed... that's the way to do, like always last time... good lord, it's like now anyways... who the hell needs to announce their timely retreat to some place to others when you can just save the breath and just go off... eesh... donnou lah... can't be bothered to think anymore than i should... what's over will be over... new start in the coming new year bah, but heck... donnou about the future anymore...

Don't think should be cosplaying in EoY bah... bloody wrist is giving way every day... drumming kills my wrists, but heck care... let them hurt like hell, at least i know that i'm still alive to live for the last i donnou how many years... heh... gotta go check out with HQ's doc... getting artist block nowadays and can't draw crap... draw something, only to have them end up n the trash... must be thinking too much about her liao... donnou lah... not like she's "someone" anymore... i don't think there are anymore "someone" in my life... all are like "somebody" or "anybody" can't be bothered to sort them out anymore... in the end, they will still leave you... not like it makes a difference... pfft...

New word of my life "Heck care!"

hm... late nights seems so peaceful...

2005-12-04T03:08:00.000+08:00

Quote of my night
"Selflessness brings Compassion..."
"Compassion brings misery... "
"And misery loves company..."

Late nights are peaceful enough to write something that you may have on your mind... Some thoughts good, some not so... Being along in the room gives you somewhat of a space for yourslf to realize all the little things that stood in their place... Whether they are there for a purpose or just there to be an ornament for your eye... Some thoughts came across my mind... Maybe they are not that important to mention... Maybe they are the roots of my misery... Maybe they are just about you... Getting the cold shoulder all the time doesn't really give me the right to be numb to all things... Maybe it is just time for me to rest myself again... and again... yet again... to another restless night or not getting anything that will benefit anything or anyone... Maybe I should really think about putting out the flames of mine for good...

She just told me that it's over, well I guess it really is... Future or no future, it's nothing already... no false hopes, no false Gods, no false anything else already... All I can say is thanks for being there.. No words can cure my sorrow, no words can explain your compassion except "Thank you"... Sorrow follows everywhere, Compassion leads to it, I should have never harboured compassion and selflessness... It was selflessness that lead to this... Maybe I really should rethink about what my characteristics should be... Misleading clues are best left unnoticed... Hope that your future holds a better relationship than this one whom you will never remember the name nor the face nor anything with it... selflessness brings misery... and misery loves company...

Haha... Should this ever be read again, I hope that I will never love another again... like always, it is always the case... Lets just lay down and rest our heads and let the tears roll down our cheeks, let it all rund all night, and falling back into the abyss... it has never been remembered how long the nights have been, how wet the things become, soaked with tears... it will never really dry up i guess... let us all just cry till our eyes bleed and our throats parched with dryness... and let the sobs turn into gasps for air until the air is fogged and choked with misery and the room grow eerie with the darkness decending into the hearts of the miserables... Les Miserals... Alas, turns a being into another... Cast aside the old pitiful shell and walk proud upon the earth, destroying everything that stands beneath your feet... Let them all hate you, for you hate them twice as much if they do... and you will love them twice as much as they love you too... Be twice as giving... and half as receiving... let them forget how much you mean to them... let them all forget the people who make it work, let them all forget...

Silent into the night, I plow through my thoughts... your existence is to be with your mother... Mine... is to be alone like i have always grew up in... Love your mother as much as you can... You will never realise that I never have one, I never really truely have a Father either... You were the only one I could turn to when I needed comfort, but now... I turn to my ownself again... Pray you understand your mother's love and what I have given you when I left you to her care... But no one will understand... I will only hope that one day you will...

Good evening and Good night... My prayers soon heard my tears as the stars kissed the moon... Good evening and Good night...

lol... butter sauce mussell

2005-12-04T00:29:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Never eat too much, never eat too little either..."
"eat only what will make you not throw up while playing para..."

In the end, only me, Mark and Tim went out together... lol... Met Taku at Doubhy there the arcade, then played for like a game, then went up to the other arcade in PS... Mark called me to tell me that Subash was not coming... pity... aw well, other than that, Alvin, not Alan... sry bout that... also didn't turn up... so sianz loh... after playing the games, me and Taku went down to meet up with Mark and Tim... after meeting, Taku went his way while me and the two went walking from DG there all the way to Cathy Cine there... straight went to find Inuran, but she's not working today... pity... but heck, i only drop by there to say hi to her or something...

Aw well, then the three of us went to yuki yaki to have buffet dinner... damn... bloody aunt didn't allow me my ATM card... still gotta pay Tim back like $20+ ... aw well nevermind... *WHEN THE HELL AM I GONNA GET PAID FOR THE WG THINGY?!?!?* bleh... then i can pay back some people money... *i hate owing people money...* took a video of the process of seeing Mark make butter sauce mussell... it tasted good though... i tried my version with a pinch of salt and little lesser butter... it's better than Mark's i bet... LOL Mark has always been a good cook... BUT! I"M A BETTER ONE! XD LOLROFLMFAO! anywys, after that, we went to the Arcade above us... seemly, they are mildly amused with my para skillz... aw well... and went to lvl 9 there, the new game centre... lol...

At there leh, me saw a couple of my para friends, then Theo seems to be in Female Trouble like i am now... but heck... i don't know about mine already... he seems ready to beat the crap outta Fadzli or something when iwas talking to him about Fadz.... hm... must be something that's gone from bad to sour... bad case to deal with... hm... went back to Mark they all, they all donnou zhao where... >_<... found them on the first floor bah... near Long Johns... near the Concert.... near 7-11... over the gates... where i almost crushed my balls while trying to jump over the gate............... FREAKIN HELL! no need run so far one mah! ... T^T...

oh did i meantion, we saw Olivia or was it Olinda? from Singapore Idol... in I shop there... and mMark was asking if i wanted an iPod nano for christmas and Bday present anot... couldn't make up my mind on it, but heck it's a helluva present! XD just accepted it on MSN bah... i mean.. it's so hard not to want one... so shiny... so new... so... i!!!!! XD... well, gonna chiong SilkRoad Online later with Tim liao ler... sianz... too bad he's not highg enough level for me... haiz... do some trade runs... XD EARN MONEY! XD

oh one more thing... for those who know, don't bother, for those who DON"T know *seriously, who doesn....*also, don't bother... it's just something for you-know-who-you-are... i'm thinking... can we like get together one day, at least talk face to face, get things straight for the both if us? it's dragging for too long and it's seriously starting to affect my mentality already... can't sleep, crying almost everynight, thoughts of you... dang.... i really want to be with you, but this is not the way.... i really think we should just get time to get together to sort things out... and i promise you that i'll have the courage to open my mouth to talk to you... even if i lose an arm or something... can? at least let me know... on the phone, on the tagboard, on MSN, on SMS, on anythin gthat you can possibly get your hands on... just make a time when both of us are free, just the two... if you want to bring along someone else incase anything goes wrong... *well, most of the time, nothing really goes wrong...* please do also... i just want to sort things out...

P.S. I don't scream/hit/punch/kick/batter/mutilate/ill-treat/anything physical or mentally hurt a female... so yar... you can be sure that i won't hurt you... just hope that you can tell me everything that's on your mind now... and i'll tell you what is on mine...

till then... cheers and have a nice evening...

ARGH! NOT AGAIN!

2005-12-03T13:30:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Never... EVER... EVER! practice drumming with one hand"

Yar... read the above quote, i twisted my left wrist all over again... hate it... then tried to practice drumming with only one hand... WAHAHAHA... it was funny though... must get a video of it or something... maybe i'm a little sadistic to be doing that, but hey, i'm like that ain't i? lol... life without her seems so boring and well.... empty, but i'm trying to get myself preoccupied with other things rather than cry my eyes out alll the time, not like i do it every night... well.... almost everynight... hm... that's anotehr story for another time... but hey, mt right wrist almost gave way! and i think that's gonna really hurt alot if it does... think of which, i seem to always break/twist/injure my left wrist only... dang... must be cursed or something... LOL... or maybe it's coz i play too much? hm... aw well...

Anyways, later will be going out with Marc, Alan, Subash and well... myself.. LOL 4 friends from the same sec school... been years sia... but heck, still my friends... wondering how life for them is now, not to mention, hopefully, theirs are better than mine... well... much much MUCH better then mine, i seem to be filled with energy today... i think i'm just retarded to burn off so much energy... maybe I will later... at least i won't have anymore energy to cry myself to sleep.. haha... aw well... my lunch is getting cold already... maybe i should put it in the freezer or something... popsicle porridge... LOL... aw well... time to bandage up my hand *in a way so that i can still play drums without slipping off the sticks... XD* and play drums later! XD

Cheers mates~

some boring shits...

2005-12-02T16:41:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Never leak out the full features from your mask"
"Never hide too much of your features in your mask"
"One way or the other, you are bound to show your true self..."

Nothing really important to write about... still as depressing as ever... at least talked to her for a while before she went off again... suddenly begining to think that there is really no other way... hm... might as well do some quizes and such...

I feel like it too...

Take the quiz: "What Is Your Kink?"

Domination
You are most comfortable when in control. Having someone at your beck and call makes you hot. You can be very demanding, and expect perfection! In the bedroom, you take charge. Your motto is It's My way or the highway!

this is just a too damn weird one..

Your death will be from a broken heart...Most
likely because you fell in love with someone
you loved more then yourself or because your
not loved at all. You will die from just giving
up on life itself...not eatimg, not talking,
not doing anything. You will most likely die
alone in your house with nothing but the
picture of the one you love in your arms...

How Will You Die And Why? .:Beautiful Dark Pics:.
brought to you by Quizilla

sigh... ain't it so true? for a sentimental person like me? haha...

.:Dependent:.

~Summary~
Dependent personality disorder is characterized by
a need to be taken care of. People with this
disorder tend to cling to people and fear
losing them. They may become suicidal when a
break-up is imminent. They tend to let others
make important decisions for them and often
jump from relationship to relationship.
Dependents often remain in abusive
relationships. Over-sensitivity to disapproval
is common. Dependents often feel helpless and
depressed.

~Symptoms~
-Difficulty making decisions
-Feelings of helplessness when alone
-Suicidal thoughts upon rejection
Submissiveness
-Deeply hurt by mild criticism or disapproval
-Unable to meet ordinary demands of life

.:What's Your Personailty Disorder?:. {Beautiful Dark Pics}
brought to you by Quizilla

hahahahaha.... so me now.... ain't that the case...

You Are Tidus!

.:Who Are You From Final Fantasy X?:.(with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

wtf..... Tidus....

What it is: Envy is the desire for others' traits,
status, abilities, or situation.
Why you do it: Because other people are so much
luckier, smarter, more attractive, and better
than you.
Your punishment in Hell will be: You'll be put in
freezing water.
Associated symbols & suchlike: Envy is linked with
the dog and the color green.

.:What 7 Deadly Sin Are You?:. {beautiful pix}
brought to you by Quizilla

is everyone against dogs these days?

Deep thinking...

2005-12-02T00:30:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Sometimes being a nice guy is not always the best way..."
"Sometimes it's better to walk away than listen..."

You told me that you hope things will go better for me with or without you... you told me not to look so negative and dark... and you left me at there... the stabbing pain of your words seems to hurt even more when i can't even reply to you... the words seems like forever... stretched across the boundaries where nothing really matters anymore... i couldn't help myself but to let my tears run again... is it really over that easily? i pray not, but it seems that it is from your side...

My efforts bring you stress, my concern bring you pain, my exisence brings you pressure... My dissappearance will bring you relieve... since no one is willing to say anything nor anyone will tell me anything, not even you, i guess i'll take it this way and leave behind everything that should or should not even be myself anymore... that's the end... i'm cutting all the lines that shall connect me to the rest of the real world... cold and distant... is that really what all of you wish to see me in? I don't really care much about my life now... should i ever get together with you guys, don't expect to see me laughing all the time... even if there are, may them be fake, as the fakest i can get, you will never guess the difference.... negative may be good at times... it helps you think and the least, lets you know that you are missing something that you will never get... not in a million years... I know i won't get what i'm hoping for now... so might as well be a robot of the society, work my ass off, fake my way through life, get nothing in return and keep my face like that of a pillar... listen to no advice, they all make matters worst just like that of what happened to you and me...

don't want to talk more anymore, it just takes off more and more of my remaining 5 years of life... don't wanna sleep either, not that i can't, just that i don't want to... lets just walk over everybody, makes things easier since there isn't time to do anything like looking into details... not like anyone cares, not like you care, do you? i don't know anymore, since i'll never get anymore reply from you, since i'll never hear anything else from you, since i'll never be the same anymore... not that i want to... i just wish.... just wish that i could just stop time... and be with you...

What a wasted dream i'm living in now... hahahahahahahahaha....

Fading into the background till needed...

2005-11-30T23:26:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Sometimes the most understanding things turn ugly..."
"Sometimes, it's just better to dissappear..."

Non of the actions that i do will ever be good enough... it gives too much stress, and it causes people sadness... to not have been known or existed in this world might have been better for everyone... maybe it is memories... maybe it is just reality... maybe it never occur to others that care, to notice that nothing lasts forever... eventually, one day, someone will dissappear from your sight... appearing is something that might be a hard thing for me to do anymore, but i will still try... if ever there was a moment in time where hessitation makes regret feel painful, this is one of those times... to be sick and in the position where nothing else will succeed, advice is nevertheless useless already...

To think that advices that people gave me will aid in the cause to get back to you, they were all wrong... maybe i said them in the wrong time... maybe i shouldn't have said anything at all, maybe i should just shut myself up and keep everything else back and bottle all feelings of pain, misery, compassion, care, concern and every emotions that have lead me to the downfall that i am now...

Everything falls down... even the weakest, even the strongest, not that i carry no faith at all, just that the faith i carry seems to bring myself down more than it brought it up... maybe i'm not meant to speak my mind, maybe i'm meant to just be a jumpy puppet to perform various acts of comedy and lameness to the general crowd and just be on my way to another day of hiding in the closet and coming out when needed to show and tell again... Just another day, for another series of acting that is completely flawless and completely inevitable.

Plastic smiles and glass hearts, it never seems to amuse me that none of it has ever come off my face nor my chest. May the rested be well at rest, may the victorious be ever glory, may the defeated stand upon the soils of defeat and dust themselves from the ashes where they lay and stand proud to have survive... but I will not be neither of them... non of them suits my purpose anymore... maybe it is still better to harden up and be that suit of armour that gets cut through, be that shield that gets bashed in, be that plant that gets trampled on, be that air that gets smoldered by the battle's flames... little little things that no one notices... i shall be them... no one will notice my decent... until i am needed...

Life needs save points! 0|v|Fg! 1337 sp34|
2005-11-29T19:59:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"R|v|B 2 S4v3 4|| j00r |)4+4 |34 j00 |)0 s0|v|3+|-|1|\|g s+|_|p1|)"
translation
"Remember to save all your data before you do something stupid..."

well, today went to an interview... so scary... made me fill in questionare and yet not enough time or knowledge to squeeze out the information i needed... some are like

"Who is the director of Lord Of The Rings?"

and i'm like.... erm... erm... Peter something... CHRIST! palm face that sucks, but in the end, the person-in-charge seems nice enough to strike out a conversation regarding other things which i hope that satisfy her... IT WAS SCARY! KOWAII DESU! ph34r damn... i almost shriveled when shaking hands with her... aw well... glad that it's over... gonna get the "results" like day after tml... i hope that i can get that job though... it seems like an eternity since i last looksed at reality and had it checked for new news on the low down of the low downs... must watch moer movies and listen to more genres of music and watch oldies too! XD too bad she didn't ask about the games sectiopn where i might even give her more than satisfactory... XD almost cried when following her into her office... it felt like a mile before i reached the door step... good thing the rest fo the crews are cheerful and somemore, the universal language of RUSSELL PETERS~ TAK SUM PONG~ XD LOL... aw well, also, the thought of her calmed my senses... okok.. i know... i'm getting outta topic here... eesh... i mean... can't a guy think of someone?!

sees shoe thrown in my direction and dodges

okok... i get the point already... well, after going in and answering most of her question, i found out a new term/way of system in the store! Back browsing or something like that... the reason that they put the same titles everywhere is due to the reason to increase sales~ man, i think it's a company secret... maybe not write it down

sees pen flying in my direction
"NO TELLING PEOPLE OF OUR COMPANY SECRETS!"

wow... shun4 feng1 er3 sia... so far and can still hear... kaoz... power seh... anyways, after everything, it was still nice to get a couple of smiles on the way out... lessening more of my stress... well, seeing her messages certainly kicked out all them bad stresses... phew... glad that i still got her photo in my hp... ^-^ tie to go write out more resumes liao... haiz... wishing you were here... T^T... bleh... i'll just most prolly be daydreaming about it....

untitled...

2005-11-28T23:24:00.000+08:00

Quote of the day
"Crying is an outlet for pain and sorrow..."
"Let me be the one to close that outlet and see you smile again..."

just looking at myself, i find that i'm more and more understanding and getting acustom to your thinking already... i did know that you cried... i can smell your tears... i can feel your sadness... i can't bear to see you cry... it pains me so to see you in that state... i did cry too... when nat was talking to me... when ivan was talking to me... when anyone talks about it, i could feel your pain... and my tears do fall... it never seems to be enough tears for you... to be truthful... to see you in Sitex, was one of the happy moments after that incident... but sadly... i have no courage to even talk to you... Untitled to even the slightest courage that i may hold upon myself... it sucks... Actually the first thing that i answered you was something that i also was very unexpectedly croaked out... I was not even thinking about answering that time... all i was was a natural response... i didn't mean to make you cry... one most important thing that i should een be telling you is that... you didn't cause me pain... only your sadness makes me feel it... even if you try smiling while feeling indifferent to the same sad feelings, i can tell that the smile was forced... please... i don't want you to force yourself to smile... i prefer to see a happy you, smiling away like nobody's business... haha... and i'm hurt physically not because of you, it's just that i become more careless when i'm thinking about you... thinking whether you are feeling better, whether you are alright, whether you are sick or not... >_< all those big and little things in life that i think most people will regard them as nothingness... so yar...

i find that other than some people in my life, you are some of those i become careless around with and needs taking care of bah... special people whom i keep close to my heart, maybe you shouldn't think too much about my case... i rather be self sacrificial and let you do what you want and go on with whatever you feel best in your interest, just like that day david treat us to dinner.. haha... i hope that your throat's ok already and not hurting... *jots down in HP to buy more honey stixs for back-ups*

Deserving or not, i'll let you think about it, make the decision and hopefully tell me... I don't wish to drag it on... all things have to come to and end somehow... just that the time waiting for the answer doesn't always seem further than the waiting time lasts... if you ever doubt me, just read me like a book and see how you like it, if you like what you see, i'll be right at the corner of your eyes when you need me, just call out and i'll try to be there when needed... if not, just dump me by a corner and i'll dust myself up after awhile and hopefully try not to look too broken... ^-^ i'm forcing myself to smile all this time... hopefully i can just put away this mask and smile naturally like i should be and like you should be too...

ARGH! !#$%@#$%

2005-11-27T23:25:00.000+08:00

I'M PISSED OFF! I'M SO SUPER PISSED OFF! MY AUNT'S ACCUSING ME OF SOMETHING THAT I DIDN'T DO! SHE'S SCREAMING AT ME ABOUT MY RESULTS NOT BEING ABLE TO GET INTO ANY JOBS, SHE'S EVEN DENYING THAT SHE SENT ME BACK TO M'SIA! WTF'S WITH THIS WORLD!? I TRY TO BE NICE AND ALL AND ALL I GET IS THIS F**KED UP TREATMENT! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! WTF'S WRONG WITH GOD NOWADAYS? WTF'S WRONG WITH MY RELATIONSHIPS? MORE LIKE RELATIONSHIT! I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE THAN ANYONE CNA STOP ME FROM DOING, NOT EVEN THE ONES I CARE ABOUT WILL UNDERSTAND THAT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING! I'M NOT GOD OF CHRIST SAKES! I'M NOT SOMEONE YOU PUSH AROUND WITH YOUR HANDS AND FEET AND WHATEVER PARTS OF YOUR BODY THAT YOU WANT TO! I'M NOT A PUPPET FOR YOU TO PUSH AROUND WITH! F**K IT WITH MY LOVE LIFE! F**K IT WITH MY AUNT! F**K IT WITH BOTTLED UP CONFUSION AND FRUSTRATION! I'M BREAKING DOWN SO HARD I JUST WANT TO KILL SOMETHING OR SOMEONE... but still... in the end... i'll only hurt myself... i don't even care anymore then what i have become... i have become a self mutilation freak of nature... nah... no one will ever see this ugly human ever again... i don't want to see you people... even the slightest hope is gone and nowhere to be seen anyways... not even one call, not one message of hope, nah, i should just stop hoping and rot in myself... every little thing reminds me of you... who am i kidding, i'm just nothing compared to the glory that i once was... maybe i wasn't even one, heck care now...

1 is for my stupidity,
2 is for my sin,
3 is for my promise of gold,
i told and fold...

4 is for my ignorance,
5 is for the word,
6 is for the pain,
for the sane that i can never regain...

7 is for myself,
8 is for your pain,
9 is to end it all,
the blade tumbles and fall...

pfft... that's not just a rhymn, it's all so true...

Courage part II

2005-11-27T19:28:00.000+08:00

The more i look at the situation, the more i find that i'm more irrirataing then ever.. causing more trouble then i should already be... causing more confusion than being confused... causing more damage then an elephant rampaging through a jungle or something... i don't know... it's been a rather long day for me... just thinking about it makes me sick inside... don't feel so good anyways... i think my wrist is feeling worst than i imagined... and maybe the uncle rubbed a little more force into it that i think it's more like broken or something... it hurts more now that it's like this... aw man...

maybe i shouldn't even sms you anymore... maybe my name seems to be even revolting to the sight of it... maybe my face will make you think twice about saying hi or bye or something that's totally irralevant to anything or chatting or such... i don't know... maybe i should just dissappear or something... i seem to be bringing you more trouble than ever after last night... it seems like i should just dissappear or something, change a name, change a country, go kill myself or something... at least it won't cause you anymore trouble of going through your mind thinking about the situation... i don't know... maybe i really should just dissappear from the scene, go overheat myself till i die from coughing out you-know-what and fade away from the world... eesh... wtf am i saying anyways... bleh... makes no sense at all but heck, i think i'm an irritating bastard, if you think that i am, just tell me, don't have to keep it to yourself... i mean, i find myself irritating now, talks about suicides and such... it sucks, but who cares, seemly, no one else cares to tell me anything anymore... pfft... feel so distraught... nvm, no one will understand...

Courage... Courage is what i need...

2005-11-27T12:42:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"if you can't find courage in yourself..."
"Seek out others who will pull it out from you..."

erm... donnou how to start... well, yesterday didn't have much fun at first, but slowly, it turned out for the better bah... have to thank my bros for helping me gather enough courage to tell her what i really wanted to say and what i felt... it seems better to just tell her than bottle it all up... when she was leaving, i hesitated to even stop her... *palmface...* damn myself for that... UGH~ *smacks head against wall* she seems... so... i don't know how to explain... and i seems so... small... compared to her... uselessness never seems to follow me no matter where i go... when i heard her voice on the phone after she picked up, i choked on my words and almost coughed it out... i think taku and ivan knows about it... but still i tried my best to do what i can... seems that i did things wrong from one stage to another... but then, they were all there to support me... haha... thanks again bros... it seems like nothing will help, but i think i can't think of anything BUT her... heck, last nite's chalet didn't help either, couldn't even sleep, well... not coz of the football match that my friend's dad and uncle were watching behind in the background although they were so noisy, but because i can't stop myself from thinking... had to drown myself in my thoughts before i can finally fall aslp... donnou what time, didn't care either... haha...

woke up to a not-so-fresh morning with nothing more then i think about 2 hours sleep? i don't remember anymore... woke up mark... tried to anyways, poking him all the tie, but his niece woke him up with her drool... haha... breakfast, nasi lemak and tea and packed off to go home... aw well, my wrist still hurts from carrying their stuffs, helping out mah, eat people's food and sleep people's place, must help leh... XD and well, it's feeling better already... just fear the sinseh.... X_x can you believe that i'm typing with one hand?! XD doubt so... XD but heck, it was still nice... too bad i can't touch the beer, apparently, it's Mel's... hehe.. went home by bus and MRT, was drawing some stuffs though... people were staring at me draw... it's not like i draw like an artist! come on... it sucks loh... anyways, there was this old uncle who keeps staring at my drawings... damn... irritating... aw well... can't talk much liao... feeling tired and all now... maybe i should jsut go try get some sleep... but most prolly no bah... mentally tired seh... aw well... cheers!

Credits to Taku, Ivan and Kazu, my three best brothers! XD well, also to the other big big people who affected my live... donnou how to put their names in, just that they are there for me though... ^-^ thanks people! you da best~ XD and yar... you too... i think you know who you are... ^-^ *feels wrist start to give way...* AW FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! NOT NOW!

HORAHORAHORAHORA~

2005-11-25T09:20:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Sometimes the worst seems unavoidably true and happens to you..."
"but after that, you'll notice all the better things in life..."

Aw well, my freakin arm hurts alot after last nite's fight... BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT! they were acusing me of staring at them... all i said was

"no way dude, i'll rather rip myself a new eyehole than stare at you..."

and they were all pissy and stuffs... come on?! that's so lame.. but hell, okasan blames me for seeking trouble with them and wants me to run away instead of going into battle mode... man.... and she lectured me about it too... but but... i don't seek trouble, trouble seeks me... lamehat if i must say... gd thing i was still able to punch my way outta there... anyways, the fat one is much more of a challenge than those of those skinnies... he almost rip me a new arm joint! but hell... guys will be guys, their *beep* is always there for you to kick at... nvm, what's over is over, at least i know i survive 4 on 1! XD

okok, time to change of topic, me went to arcade with vic yesterday though, seems like she can't stay for long... and there i was, alone, with noone other than my MD to accompany me... damn... i should've just go buy that Sangoku thingy and play already~ it's $9! i'mma play it... looks fun though, a few cards and a couple of coins... WOOT~ play time! but then... the money needed to play it... >_< $3 per game! ARGH freakin hell that's cost me two drum mania game! BLEH! X_x
don't wanna spend that much money on that... unless i'm a fanatic... wish i could just get money to play it! XD i know, when my pay arrives from that WCG thingy, i'll go play a couple of games
XD

aw well, time for breakfast.... i'm hungry... hungry enough to eat a horse... ugh.. horsing around again, that's just me.. XD

Untitled to my own death...

2005-11-24T07:37:00.000+08:00

Quote of my night
"Sufferings are just tests from God to see how long you live..."
"what a cruel game God make us play..."

seriously speaking... i cant talk right now... i can't even speak properly... my throat hurts from all that coughing last night, my chest burns as though i'm breathing alright... i don't want to go out anymore... i don't want to look at people's faces anymore... i don't want to think anymore... all i can think about is her... it's just not worth everything that i said to her... it's just not worth anything to let her go just like that... i can't even suffer anymore to the pain that i'm used to... broken and unwound... my strings are all in a bunch... no one's going to care if i die or not... i wish that i died last night... my head feels like i've been run over by an elephant... maybe two... maybe a million... i dont really care... i'm just staring in blank space all the time... i can't get the image out of my head...

and what promises i made, they are all broken... i never want to break any promises... i never want to take them and go either... now that i can never keep them for her... i'll just break alll my promises to myself... i can't think of anymore things that i would like to hold dear to me now... can't think of anything other than her... sry that i have to mention you so many times... but i seriously think that i can't stop myself from loving you... seriously think that my life is all going to change... without you it seems so dark... without you, i'm just someone who no one will know exist... into the darkness i go... into the depths i fall... my decision never seem to amuse myself... to the rest ofthe people who cares, i don't seem to think about myself as worthy anymore... i'm sorry... this i hope is not the last entry of my miserable life and the leap into my hated life to curse the world of it's filth...

I wish...

2005-11-23T21:16:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"If ever there was any hesitation in your decision, abolish them"
"go ahead with what you believe..."
"even if you lose a limp..."

This may be one of those days where externally, i would still be smiling at you, looking you in the eyes and talking to you normally... while internally, i'm bleeding myself to death, overheating and swallowing on my own fear of coughing myself to death... i wish that time would jsut stop... time would stop for the me, stop for those whom i love... stop for all eternity so that i can have all the time in the world to look at the finer things in life... maybe i'm just too good for myself... maybe i'm just too selfish to let other people take a look at my worthless life and lines that i weave through the air and letting themsee the beauty of it and get caught in the flowery languages... i don't feel like i'm anymore empty than that of a puppet, hanging on the broken strings of time... the broken threads that linger in the atmosphere, stretching and shortening, yearning to break free from them, i may just snap them off and fall to the floor... no where else tolook for other than to lie on the dusted floor as the sands of time covers me, everything shall be turned to dust...

Trouble comesin the form that i can have the option to choose to stay and be strong and make her suffer by the wraths of her mother... or i could go and let her mother take care of her like what she has been doing for the past years and years more to come... i don't blame her for what maternal care she is giving to her daughter, i can't... i can't let this happen to the one i love... i can only let her go there where she will not suffer because of me...

i can only give these words to you my love...

"if i bring you pain"
"cut me away from your strings..."
"you jsut have to know thatthe gates of this sanctuary will always be open for you..."

wah~

2005-11-22T14:03:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Sometimes the choices that we make may not be the right one.."
"but never ever regret making them..."
"learn from them..."

YAY~ gd news, me pic was on Straits Times Digital Life!~ WOOT~ was fun though, settign t osee youself in the newspaper, but heck, i'm now looking for a permament job now, got a few applications out, hopefully they allow me to get into their organisations, or better, work as what i always wanted to work as... creativity is a key point in life if i must say... putting words in the way that others want to hear is the best work of a creative mind... haha... i think i'm being lame... too day beansprout has got to go to school... aw well.. cant blame... wish my money's here... so i can at least buy something... my aunt made me go into this webbie where they let you apply for it and they will look for a job for you... but then in the first month, they'll take off like 80% of your pay... kaoz... a little too much bah... but i hope that it's worth it... hm... wish i can like start working soon... i'm getting bored at home already... maybe there's a job market for games' testers... lol... then write reviews in them, like G4 Tech TV... or something like that... haha... That'll be my dream job... XD get to play games all day... XD

Okasan is feeling depresed these few days... talking to herself more and more i think... haiz... must be the mysterious powers of the Dolfies... i love dolfies... they are so cute and bishie... but hey... they are not in my budget list of items to get for the next ten years... haha... but if i ever have the chance to get my hands on one... i'll make him look like me... XD occasional change of clothes... and yes... i need to get a glass cabinate and a bookshelve... i ahte hidding all my mangas in the blackand darkness of a closed door bookshelf... it makes them look so unwanted... ugh... aw well... RAN ONLINE! i'm level 28 as of now... been leveling so hard... so painful that my fingers hurt and my eyes hurt too... XD

Beansprout's having her presentation as of now too... can't bother her too much... seems like she's stressed over many things in school.... most of the time i ca't seem to see her smile or laugh anymore in MSN... maybe she's busy... but i don't know... i'm not the one who controls her... and i don't like to control people also... that's just wrong... haiz... but no matter, even if she ignores me for a certain amount of time, i'll still love her... must be understanding... she's doing her things bah... so better not disturb her loh... can only be he man that supports her from behind... ^-^

nothing much to add in until i can think of other stuffs OTHER THAN LVLING UP IN RAN ONLINE!!! FREAKIN ROLLBACK! ARGH! !@#$!#$!@$%^@$%&@#$%!@#$

until then... take care minna san

some time already...

2005-11-20T00:33:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day
"Either to leave things as they are or push them around,"
"it is entirely up to you to decide the concequences and rewards..."

it's been some time since i last blogged... but mostly due to WCG work that i've been busy trying to earn a little pocket money... after tomorrow, i'll be looking for a serious work already... then settle down to really do what i have to do, earn my way to save enough money to go study again, Lassale?*if it's spelt that way...* NAFA? i donnou... at least let it be something that's got to do with graphic design or something that you get to try your hands on making, original stuffs and arts... i donnou... haha... i'll be looking into the newspaper for jobs later, it's like so late already and later i have to wake up early to start repairing my costume liao... haiz... donnou lah... today went to watch Harry Potter, was rather nice though... and oh, I'm so sorry dear, spoil your Laptop... make you have to go repair it... T^T i didn't know that jumpig with that lappy can spoil the thing... haiz...

weird things have happened over the pass few days since i last started work, got approched by people to take pics of us... then today also got a few people taking pics of us in the WCG thingy itself... my dear dear looks cool, Paine leh! XD me leh, as Sol Badguy, even cooler, courtersy of Hakkai~ Arigatou~ XD her costume's always looking really cool... wish that i could ahve it made to suit me... aw well... oh yes, one of the straps for the head was missing... panicking so much... in the end have to compromise... anyways, i'm hoping thta it's at okasan's place instead... coz i don't remember dropping it anywhere else mah... i didn't even take it out... aw well... haiz... hope that it's not lost....

yesterday me was tonning at Okasan's place... drew stupid stuffs, but no inspiration... aw welll then talked about things.. after that went to doze off on her bed... so nice... aw well... in the end fell aslp till very late... aw well... my eyes cannot stay up now... bleh... must go to slp ler... Jya~ take care woh!

loves my upgraded-leveled-up-powered-up-from-beansprout tomato dear... haha... *huggles and kisses*

Ugh... the pain...

2005-11-07T21:53:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day

"Anger heals nothing, trashing everything does.."

This is the last straw, i officially hate blogspot now... it's been like... pissing me off with it's useless service... i typed all my stuffs and then it gives me shit... i hate it.... BLEH, freaking service... haiz... here goes nothing again...

I haven't been sleeping well for 3 days already... i haven't even been feeling this kinda irritated feeling that i'm feeling... i hate to think htat anyone out there will defy me again... i hate to think that it's so freaking fucked up to even have to type a simple entry without haveing to curse it so much due to the freakin reason that it deletes every damn thing that you type... hate this so much... pfft...

i've been thinking about my darling for a while now... seems like it my feelings for her seems a little too extreme already... missing her till i can't sleep well... either that or coz the reason that i was on the receving end of the phoneline... haha... my Sol Badguy costume's almost done ler bah... been researching on his blade though... just hope that i can get enough cash to buy the materials to get it done... 16th and 18th, i'll be working for WCG organisers... distributing tickets bah... i donnou... haha... but most prolly i'll be doing Sol Badguy on the 18th...^-^ hopefully i can borrow the weapon from hakkai... X_x aw well... i hope this entry doesn't get deleted like the previous...

hm...

2005-11-04T22:41:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day

"Sometimes the worst things in life doesn't seem so dark.."

"Sometimes the best in life doesn't seem so bright either..."

man, this is getting boring, the damn system's like killing my post.... and it's like so irritating, since i've like typed a whole damn list of things that i should've said... and its like take it that i've nbever typed... isn't that just stupid?! aw well, lets get the low down on the low down... lol... i'll make it simple, me going back on the 13th, then..... oh yes, re-skinned my knuckles, both my hands, erm... went off to bomb iraq so many times that my arse hurts like hell, sprianed my toe... so yar... i think i'll let my fingers do that talking tml... can't take the strain that the next time i post this up again, they will kill my post again...

hm.... my thoughts...

2005-11-02T21:27:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day

"Time may be lost, distance may be long.."

"but feelings for you will never be lost"

Lol... i donnou... these few days, i've been sparring with my dad, so far, a few scratches, a twisted ankle and most prolly many many more bruises... MAN, he's like "Bao3 dao1 bu4 lao3" LOL cannot blame, he's like one mean machine sia... smack me to the ground so many times that i can't really possibly count... haiz... goo thing is that youth is still regining over his oldness... XD and he's still not quick enough for meh! MUAHAHAHAH! good thing is that he can still tahan my hits, but hell, those gloves that i'm wearing is wearing out the skin on my knuckle... damn pain all the time... haiz... me drew something today also! and it looks so nice... got me and my darling~ XD somehow sad, somehow soft and warm, somehow painful at times... i donnou... but i think i'll name it "Snowing Tears" it's rather like the picture itself.... amybe it will explain a thosand words... maybe not, but i think it will be one of those nicer pics that i will put online for my DA, and i bet it's gonna be nice too... don't intend to color it, it looks great the way it is, black and white... ^-^ OH YES~! my Sol Badguy pic also haven't post up also... too bad nobody's got a scanner... or i'll borrow and scan them in! XD they look so COOL! aw well, my fingers's hurting and i want to talk to my darling liao, wish i can go back soon... i'm urging dad to not let me take the test liao, coz it's time consuming... rather use the time to get a job than waste the time away in M'sia...

YAY~ like that then i will most prolly have more time to spend with my darling liao~ XD tml my darling bean sprout's going to go support her school's bball team... paly for 52 hours... KAOZ... i can do that sitting down with a computer loh... do that with bball?!!?! i must be crazy to do that loh... rather spend the time with my darling... XD tease her more! MUAHAHAHHA! didn't know that your dear inu is such a devil huh? XD muack~ love ya~

GENKI GENKI!

2005-10-31T22:08:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day

"Snow and again.."

"it may freeze your heart or melt your soul..."

Awe well, not that i should be too happy or too sad, but hey, that's the news today... on this very day, i wish to get back to hold you and see you, maybe touch your face, to feel that emotion that i might have missed out all these months... regrets, happiness, sadness, emotions beyond compare... i donnou what to say now... all i know now is that i have a feeling that might just flood over everything now...

Happiness

But to what of my knowledge, i think that someone is not happy.. i know that i'm just human... i can only make some people happy and others, well, not very happy... i wish that no one gets hurt because of my actions... it's only my choice that made the rest of the girls unhappy... if it makes you happy, i will do anything that will not hurt anyone else just to make you all happy... but i know that i have my limits... now that i'm attached to her, i will only love her only... i will still treat the rest of you girls equally, but to her and to her only, the better treatment... i donnou, hopefully that all of you will understand.. to the girl who i should be making happy, i'm sorry, i will still do my best to make you happy, just that i will give more time to my love then you... i will still be lame as i would be to make you all laugh at my stupidity, i would do that to see all of you smile... i'm formally apologising to those whom i have given hope to but ended up crushing them by getting attached to one... but i will still keep to my promise that which i shall uphold...

I had the most fun time that i had last week, with you girls at sentosa... the food prepared was delicious, the smiles that i will never forget, the lameness that i shall never seem to get rid off, the siloso beach sea ostrich monster, the "armchair" that i became for my love, the parting that was a little hard on me... the sickness that i suddenly had and have to have you all to take care of me... i wish that day didn't have to end so fast... bad thing is that i was still mistaken for a girl no matter where i go... and i still don't intend to cut short my hair... trim yes, cut short... NEVER! but still haiz... my aunt's gonna force me to do that... i just don't wish that it would happen... haiz...

All in all... i just wanted to tell you... I will love you, till time doesn't permit me to do so again...

ugh... bull.. this is all bull...

2005-10-27T22:08:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day

"Never show anyone that you are hurt..."
"Coz they will just tell everyone else..."

Ok... my pointing finger is hurt in an "ACCIDENT" yes, read that, "accident" which in some way, broke my nerve in my hand... i think it's gonna hurt tonight... considering the fact that the impact was on pure steel bar... and a blunted edge with a rounded tip... wow~ genious for running around the place have have someone tug you from the back and end up having you smack hand first into that thing with a recoil so hard that you practically feel that you just got smacked with a baseball bat... i know that feeling... so familiar... coz i really got smacked by a baseball bat before in my hand... and it really hurts nevertheless... man... i'm typing with my middle finger now... can't feel much of my pointing finger... feels painful sia...UGH! KNNBCCB! i feel like i'm really being tortured more than i am feeling loved... aw well, so much for being a good guy and making everyone happy.... not that it's your fault, at least there's nothing that you can do about it other than just try not to stop me doing stuffs that will not put my body parts in danger, but the inclusive of you = danger for me... not just anyone else.. aw man... hate to be feeling so muc hpain... need painkillers...

what's worst is that my aunts, after dinner, one of them tried to drive home... expressway or no expressway she'slike the worst kinda driver ever... DAMMIT! the worst if i must add... know how to drive still ok, but then the fact that she can never read directions made it worst... we ended up driving almost around the island for 2 damn freakng hours and i was practically slping on the car.... it's so damn cramped... i can't even freaking sit properly sia... FREAKING HELL! JIN TU LAN! KNNBCCB! and they expect me to cramp myself in that tiny seat to go back to M'sia?! JIN TU LAN! HOW THE HELL YOU EXPECT ME TO SIT THERE FOR LIKE 8-9 FREAKING HOURS! FARK!... nvm...

I got the guys to deliver the goods to my postal... damn are they behind time... should already have sent it yesterday... i demand some compensation... just wondering if they really do compensate... but hell, know them for so long already... most probably they will get me something out of courtesy... hopefully it's not something that'll kill me like last time... aw well...

TML's the last day i will be going out with my friends... can't blame... most prolly i wanna spend more time with them... yar,

*points at yuki* you know what i will be saying that is going on in your head... so yar, there's nothing i should say more...
*points at kula* you take care of yourself you hear? i have yet to bite you for not telling me why you asked me for my fav color...
*points at aries* you argh, care so much for me, not scared that i'll run off to another person? well, and don't hit my... erhm... i'll be sure to smack yours in return...
*points at vic* you... pls take care of yourself and restrain somehow... i'm getting alot of hurt from your side when you are around...
*points at tere*you... just take care of yourself, i'm not there always to hear you sa jiao... but hell... just msg me when you are bored...

Is it painful? Does it hurt? I don't know...

2005-10-23T10:02:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day

"Looks are just for seekers, Heart is there for lookers.."
"When seeking a heart, you will never look in the deeper places.."

Makes any sense to you? i don't know, but i think it's nothing more comlpicated then the most complex thing that's happening in this world right now, well, it already has been going on for the past, i-don't-know-how-long-ago.. Since humans know language and literature and emotions, it has already been a long forgotten phrase that they should look out for in life, there is nothing more complex than the equation of emotions, love or hate? i don't want to think much about both, but would always put them together, as in i will be loving to hate, people, thing, emotions, stuffs that you will never come by everyday and none everyday things... can someone who hates everything else e loving? not that i think of, but i would hate to love another due to the reasons that i must not hurt another, i must not leave myself in the dust and eat asphalt when they leave you behind in your scramble for your thoughts after they toss you around and played enough of your feelings...

I don't realy know much about what's with yesterday's crowd.. feels non-existent, but i think it's ok, at least there are some who knew that i was there, those who will at least know that i am always watching everything, in the corner of my eye? i don't know, for me to know and for you to find out i guess... didn't actually have a good time out there last nigt... not really nice at alll, maybe i should just give it a 2 out of 5... not everyone is happy the way that it turned out... not everybody feels that they are enjoying themselves... some are just seperating themselves from the rest of the crew and group and forming their own little groups, that's still ok, but then, to totally ignore the rest of the group... i think that's just... well, not really fair? haha... i don't wanna say long, i have to take my medication and crack my knuckles back in place after the last breaking of my fist on that pillar... think it's gonna take at least 2 weeks to heal... in the meantime, most prolly i'll be in bandages or none.. depending on the situation... XD fun to break something in your body... haha... feels so sadistic... aw well... ^-^

hm...

2005-10-22T08:15:00.000+08:00

Quote of my day

"Past is the past, it can never come back..."
"Future is where you should look, black or white, it's still your future..."

People say that some people can be together because of te fact that they click... or is it the fact that they are meant to be together? i don't want to know about it as long as i continue hating the world for everything else that it gave me and everything else that other people hurt or save it... Does it even matter if i die in the world? i don't know..... tens and hundreds of people die every minute... so does that make me another casualty of the circle of life? i don't know... it came to me in the middle of night, at the middle of my growing up year, in the middle of my bed, in the middle of my thoughts... since there is so many middles, why doesn't it seem to other people that there are also middle things taht are not meant to be on either side of the balance of the circle of life? hm... gets you thinking doesn't it? since there is the middle of heaven and hell, which seemly to be this earth where you are judged accordingly... why not have a middle for the line of things that are about to come? balance is balance, but then, it's nothing more than just tilting yourself over to one side or the other...

What more should i just say about you? you, the one who should have been here, wasn't... you, the one who is supposed to be there for me, isn't... you, harsh as i may sound, is not worth my time... you, i don't even know you anymore than you should be... i hate you... i hate every stinking humans on this earth who doesn't care less if they die of accident, work, stress, insanity, committing suicide, killing each other, killing themselves, etc etc etc... humans are just shells of flesh and blood with emotions and conscience put into one bundle... isn't humans pitiful? i don't want to know about being one, just because i am one doesn't mean that i should continue to think like one... being dark and insane gets your brain thinking about other things other than being one... looking into the future may you find me resting, not in peace, but still in my coffin, thinking about the demise you have brought to yourself which i hope you willl regret taking it upon yourself...

Sometimes, it's just too harsh and hurtful for me to love you again... I wish...

2005-10-18T21:26:00.000+08:00

Yea... i feel that loving you again can sometimes make me think twice about myself... makes me think that i'm in the wrong once again... for once, i agree that i'm wrong in the first place and should just leave it at that... if i get back with you, would it be any different from the fact that i'm going to be no different from who i am when you left me and when i left you? i mean... the way you talk to me has changed from being a lover to a friend or even worst, someone who doesn't really mean anything in your life anymore than that other kid around the block trying to get to you... it's harsh and hurtful i know... but i think the whole reason for going back to singapore is to accompany you on your BBQ thingy... but all i can see and hear from your voice is that i'm only an object of boredom... someone who will go out with you just to shop, just to... have fun... i don't want that, but you don't want anythiny other than that also... it may not seem to you that i have suffered much, alone, thinking and bleeding just for the sake of thinking about lots of things that happened to me the past month...
I haven't slept for the past 3 days and 3 nights already... and i'm not going to really sleep either tonight... i have to stay awake to think about what makes me so attached to you... is it your face? is it your mind? is it your innocence? or is it coz i owed you too much in my last life? i don't know... sometimes i think so much that i bleed from the nose and black out for some time... am i too stupid to think so much? i feel like i'm cutting myself inside and bleeding myself to death in front of a wall that's not going to listen to my pain, my cries, my screams, my pleas, my begs and my suffering... but i think it's all in my mind... i may have put myself in front of the line of fire for you, it's the least i should do since you are my friend, but i did more than that for the sake that you were with me and by my side everytime i needed you, but now, it's different... it won't make any difference that i should be gone with another girl, i may have gone and killed someone, i may have gone and kill myself... i don't think you'll want to have anything to do with me anymore than that of a nobody...

Quote of my day...

"Sometimes it hurts to admit that you are in love..."

"It hurts even more that you admit that you have fallen out of love"

i donnou... haiz...

2005-10-12T21:53:00.000+08:00

"When you kill someone, it doesn't make any difference in your life..."

"When someone kills you, it's all over..."

Doesn't that make the most sensible thing in your life? i mean... it's so sensible that you can hardly catch the total meaning of life... haiz... these few days i've been either down or sick outta my head... headaches, pains in my back and also my legs, all from the old wounds bah... haiz... i've been sleeping like 12-15 hours everyday... sleep, then wake up, sleep then wake up... other than the frequent calls from vic chan, aries chan and tere chan, it's just another day for me to sleep my life away... i mean, it's nothing much to do here other than sleeping... it also seems that my skill to draw is getting rather lousy already... i hate to draw anything that's got to do with emotions now... feel like drawing black faces that'll face the world instead of those faces that depict happiness, sadness and other forms of emotions... it's been a roller coaster ride most of the time now... i've been contacting my ex also... she's better already... but then i have the problems with all girls now that i've feeling rather hard on the other girls by choosing one from the rest of the group of other girls... i feel like just being alone most of the time... but then, at times, i feel like being with one, then at other times, i feel like indulging myself in another... guess that makes me a playboy doesn't it? haiz... i wish that i was just being cloned and being evenly distributed amongst themselves..

I don't wanna know anything now... wish i am now being isolated and not known to the rest of the world... wish i was just another normal guy... *well, for the matter of fact that i AM a normal guy...* but heck, it makes no difference that i am already being taken for a doll to be dressed up and put into a suit of pink... i donnou if this is right, but... i don't really wannt be made into a doll.. it's just so stupid? i mean... look at the fact of this... a guy... made into a doll... and somemore, furry and pink... that's be like a freak of nature? haha... well, if it's just for fan service... i think i'll do it, but just for once only... no more... XD then tere chan say's she's gonna rape me... kaoz.... die liao ler lah... vic chan is gonna glomp me till i safocate... haiz...really die ler lah... aries chan is gonna make me wear pink and furry stuffs... man.. it can't get anymore worse than this can it? kula chan is gonna make me wear pink apron for the vampire thingy... CHRIST! THE HORROR!!! man... this time i'm really gonna die... REALLY GONNA DIE!

haiz... takumi, bro... you have to help me prepare for my funeral liao ler lah... anyways, you go bro! better take her for serious lah... i think i'm not much help here but... hey... you do what you think is best, i can only lead you to the door, you got to open the door yourself... XD anyways, yar... we twins are getting the same problems... girl problems... just that mine is more than yours... XD anyways, blog someother time bah... ^-^

GAY!!!! THIS IS SO GAY!!!!

2005-10-04T21:59:00.000+08:00

GAY!!! man, this thing with the M'sia theory test from that driving school is GAY! absolutely GAY TO HELL! man... i'm so pissed off now loh.... anyways, here's what happened today...

Woke up at like 7 am.... Vic chan apparently woke me up and called me so many times... ugh... can't get my eyes open for long... hm... but still, i woke up in the end... then, prepared myself so much for the trip down to the exam place... such a puny place it was... pissed at it now... ok, that was still ok, but then, i have to take a pic that looks nothing like me coz they forced me to push back my hair to the back... It's so pissy.... ARGH!!!

*throws chair at noisy people at the back of the internet cafe...*

after that, i had to take the theory test... apparently it's in MALAY! FREAKING MALAY! WTF WAS THAT?!?!?! that old guy said that there was english version there at the place, but then NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! WTF! found out that there was no english version... was so pissed at that that i almost screamed my head off in that room filled with people and all were like staring at me cursing that old fart under my breath... and dad called him and he said that he didn't know anything... WTF MAN?! what kinda stupid F'ing attitude is that loh... haiz.... i want to kick him in his groin and blast away his arse... so sianz...

Haiz... after taking the test... which i anyhow anyhow choose one... and i passed... but IN THE END?!?!?! THE F'ING computer gave me a fail...coz you know what? the government is so corrupted that they will give you a fail, i mean many many fails... then they will 'eat' your money... then also, they will also do that till they are happy... most prolly enough to cover their fart arses... man... idiotic old farts... so pissed today... almost killed someone again today.... ARGH!

*goes on a rampage in the cafe...*

wah~

2005-10-03T21:27:00.000+08:00

Hm... where should i start? i donnou... 3 days ago? XD aw well, here goes nothing...

3 days ago.. .well, nothing much happening since there was nothing to update about... but then after my dad went off to the bus station, i was left alone at home... nothing better to watch... cable sucks, VCDs start to seem boring... hm... then i played around with the can food again... XD got to lick the can without cutting my tongue! WOW~ so good to at least not bleed these few days... but hell, the wound still hurts... haha... i've looked through the tags left behind by well... you know... *points at tag board...* hehe... anyways, at least there was CSI to watch on cable... can't blame... i love the series... watched it till the wee hours of the morning... and well, these few days, i've been talknig to Aries chan and Vic chan, an average of at least 1 hour each time... so roughly, i can calculate their phone bills... *whistle~*

2 days ago... well... nothing much, still watched VCDs and cable... but this time, i drew something... RADICALLY COOL I MUST SAY! too bad it didn't look anything like dolls... but still, i think i'm getting back to that Heaven/Hell theme of my sec school times... so yar... XD
An angel winged guy with ... well... skirt.... and long hair.... stretching out his arms to a girl that looks so much like my last time creation for the vampire bridesmaid... well... i donnou lah... XD but still, they look so blissful... then the other artwork was of a guy with 1 eye open and 1 eye closed and giving that "come here, let me give you a hug" kinda pose... XD and he's got devil wings... MAN~ i drew so hard that i can practically see what was on the other page... so yar... XD anyways, they are complete... XD

1 day ago... well.. .what do i have to say for 1 day ago... it's well.... i think should be just today bah... XD woke up to find dad has reached home already... then what more, he bought VCDs for me... XD there was The Myth, FF:AC, The Cave, The Transporter 2, The Brothers Grimm, Land of the Dead, 3 Good Guys, Andy Lau's new show i don't really recall the name... hm... i can't recall what else there was... aw well.. who cares anyways... XD

I donnou... i'm thinking of starting an Original Manga/Anime... so yar... but i doubt i have that much skills to do it... aw well... maybe i'll just start with mini mini 4 cubes big comic strips bah... aw well.. XD

hm.... i donnou...

2005-09-30T22:40:00.000+08:00

I've been thinking again... humans and the rest of the species that are either nothing that's compared to the rest of the dominating creatures that are on this earth...

Some may ask me... what do i think of humans? i think... humans are just trapped between the power struggle of good and evil, angels and devils, yin and yang... aw well, i can't be bothered with much of the society's struggle toget themselves into the light of things... I mean, just look at them... humans think that they can take things in their hands and do what they will to everything around them... but in the end... they shudder and pray to the higher powers above and below... not that i'm condemming humans, but... we do that all the time... I think of the system as balanced... good and evil... i think that mostly due to the effects of everyday life, the balance between both sides should be take seriously... I can be an angel, someone who cares for everyone and everything around me... I can be a devil, who destroys everything i touch and kill every living thing i ever come across with... but still, i can only think o myself as balanced mostly when i get myself to actually come to the truth and fact that i depend on my feelings and emotions...

Sometimes, i feel like an angel, wearing the mask that shows care, concern and grace while hidden behind this mask is my true self of sorrow, a saddened face of pain and torture while still smiling down upon those i know and those i come to please...

Sometimes, i feel like a devil, wearing the mask that shows destruction, killing and insainity while hidden behind this mask is my other true self of respect for all things living, a calm face of thoughtfulness and deep thoughts while still laughing at the wake of destruction on those that i despise and those that i come to hate...

So if anyone can see the difference between those two sentence... i hope that you understand that not everyone can be pleased nor everyone can be hated... I hate some people and i love others... but then, i donnou... Haiz... i must be turning into some kind of deep thinker already... man... i hate this... wish i can make myself think lesser things... it's really painful to think nowadays.. haiz... not gonna be online tml and the next coz dad's going to SG to help take my IC and long pants back here... so i can takethe crappy driving test, both theory and practical... i wish it's over soon... don't wanna think about it too much... wish it's all over once and for all...

Pfft... hate it...

erm... i donnou...

2005-09-29T21:58:00.000+08:00

Pondering on my actions these few days... i find that there is nothing in this world that you can't conquer without a little determination... maybe i have really been thinking too much... but hey, it's good to think... i mean... thinking in this sleepy little town really makes your thoughts clearer and such... aw well...

My dad's going to SG to take my IC back to M'sia for me... sometimes i think, he's really doing alot for me... sometimes, i think he just need time out from taking care of my demands... XD I can't really eat instant noodles here... he says that my hair will all fall out... XD but i don't really think it will loh... not that all the MSG inside will kill my hair cells... but heck... back to the story... He's going to SG to take my IC from my aunt... all her fault for not giving it to me before she left... I mean... who will actually take away your IC and give you a photostated one to take instead? is she just a little too dumb or is she just a little too much stress blocking her passageway in her head? Aw well.. i donnou lah... I still have nothing to do here... got a couple of pictures drawn here... sketch book's almost filled with all my creations... i donnou if i can really take the stress of boredom... But hell, the plain thought of her makes my day ok... just teased her this afternoon... and she took it for real... HAHAHA... aw man... i think i'll go play my game now... a little boring though... wish i could just see her smile again... ^-^

been thinking even deeper...

2005-09-28T22:24:00.000+08:00

hm... what is the difference between 38% and 83%? i don't really know... but hell, it makes no difference whether it gets two people togather or not... I mean... there is still the chance of failure... i'm not saying that i want to quit on her... but hell, it's what makes the difference between a winner and loser... winner doesn't always mean that he will always be happy, loser doesn't always mean that he's always screaming in his own misery and crying... so yar... i mean... doesn it even matter? I want to think the optimistic way and let natuer take it's course... ^-^ hey, it's a game of chance... life is a game of chance... hey, you want to play it? you have to wait 9-10 months in your mom's womb just to get ready everything to enter this game... in the end, you will be the one who will win or lose depending on the chance and opportunities given to you... can't blame your parents nor others if you ever make the wrong choices... it's yourself that gets the blame and punishments... so yar...

To her i may say that it doesn't really matter... you can give me 1% or 99%, i still take it as either one of two choices... yes or no... i'm just that simple... ^-^ can't blame me for this, but i'm only playing the game of life by the rules... oh yes... i can let others take you away from my side... just that they must at least treat you better than what you can expect from me... if not, i'll be sure to break them... physically... so yar... XD i can't think of anymore to say, just that i wish that you will be the best that you can ever be if you are to be attached to that lucky person... hell, i'll even give youmy blessings and send you off looking pretty and beautiful... with grace and with happiness... haha... seems too good to be true? well, i AM just that good... ^-^

nothing better to say now... just hopeing that the rest of the people misses me as much as i miss you guys... so yar... XD

hm... something to think about

2005-09-27T22:51:00.000+08:00

Haiz... i donnou what to say nor do these days... seemly i've started t ospread the sickness around again... the same sickness that brings down even the strongest man... the healthiest person... whe best of warriors... this sickness... is called Depression... and from that, you get sadness and pain, loneliness and forsaken wishes, psychotic thoughts and idiotic suggestions... I hate this sickness... it's just great to be living and feeding on the thought that you are alone... i like that feeling... but then, it's never satisfying to just have it... it seems like i'm sinking deeper into it... Although i may smile in front of you... I may just be having you for a ride and bluffing... i may just be having tears from my eyes and blood seeping through my veins... Does it ever hurt to have your promise to by me? Does it ever hurt to be touched by me? If it does, stay away from me... i don't want to make any empty promises... i don't want to let your touch grace my fingertips... i don't want you to hold on to a rope that may break anytime sooner than you may hold it... All i want you to know is that, It never was good to be around me... ^-^

True that i may be the best i can ever be... but i can also be the worst person in the world for all i care... If you believe me for the person you see in your eyes, take me or break me as you wish... maybe i'm just someone who isn't worth knowing... maybe i'm someone who is worth your acknowlegment... all i know is that, i can be your best friend and your worst enemy at the same time... but i will never betray a friend that i know for even a second... even if you take me for nothingness, i will take your word for gold... even if you stab me in the back, i will paint you from head to toe with trust... even if you toss me off a cliff, i will fall off on my own will...

The only important thing is... Do you trust me to be your friend? or do you want to make me your worst enemy? i don't know... it's for you to find out and for me to know... I wish that even if i may be with the worst girl ever in this world who hurt me before over and over again, I did it on my own free will... I'm just too good for my own good as Vic chan would put it... but hell, it's for the best no? even if i am black and beaten to a pulp, it's my own battle to fight... I will still come back alive to you guys... so don't worry... I will be back to smile in front of you... whether you think it's real or not, it's up to you to find out... all i can say now is, i am only happy when hell freezes all over and heaven totally collapses above...

hm...

2005-09-25T21:43:00.000+08:00

I've been thinking about the future when i'm free, while watching VCDs from my dad's archive... I donnou... the problems that's been taunting me in my face was the fact that i'm no more than human to see that i have girls chasing and breathing down my neck every moment in time... i donnou, i mean, not trying to offend the girls in my life now, but i donnou... Firstly, my ex still wants me... but then i still accept the fact that she's there for me... also... deep in my heart... i still want the other girl... i think most of you know who she is... Humans are so greedy... but i know that i can't be like my dad and be a flirt... i mean... i'm a 1 woman man... i can't accept another until the previous dumps me... so i'm trying to keep myself from going the same path as my dad... It hurts so much when you actually see that you can't be with that person you really wanna be with... but i know that i put faith and loyalty first... so i'm sorry, to the girl i hold deep in my heart... I will still have to go with the decision that i'm taken already...

Humans are so fragile... once shattered... they will never really get back together... i've been shattered so many times that i don't really know which piece is truely me anymore... Is it so hard? to have to tell someone that you really want another thing... and yet not break them up? I don't know... and i don't really want to know... It hurts so much... the scars of the fracture in my heart sometimes seems so visible that they seem to surface from beneath my skins and my soul darken by the thoughts that make humans.... human... I love to just star at the sky and see how wide it is, how peaceful it seems all the time... how clear and blue the sky seems all the time... But then i look down and stare at the people around me... looking at their faces... seeing those face with those sunken eyes... those sorrowful screams that are silently hidden beneath their smiles... I see them not by their faces and judging them from their covers... i see them as themselves... burried beneath those layers and layers of secrets and lies that they like to hide in... I donnou... humans seem so troubled these days... i hate the fact that i am one... sigh...

BLEH! pissed off

2005-09-24T21:30:00.000+08:00

YES! READ THE TITLE! I"M PISSED OFF!!!!

ok, here's what happened, today, wake up at 7am... just to get to the driving school... too bad i didn't bring back my long pants... they require you to look formal and all... yar... then me and dad went for breakfast... Good thing is, the food is good... ^-^ roti prata... yum yum... bad thing is, the girls were staring at me in my formal clothes.... MAN! is that freakish or not? getting someone to stare at you when you eat... bleh.... anyways, back to the topic...

After breakfast, dad drove me to that damn school... Waited till like 8.30 then the lecture starts... BORING~ paid for that safety class already... donnou how much... BLEH~ after that, dad just left me there to rot and stare into blank space as the 70+ instructor spoke malay that's either meant to be funny or he's just kidding himself... coz i don't find it funny... not even the tone of his voice... aw well... he made me nod off to slp though... maybe i should hire him to do some lulluby job... that's ok, after a few minutes of break, we went into the classroom again... DAMN!~ THIS TIME, IT WAS A MACHINE GUN WORD SPITTING MACHINE MAN! you should've seen how much and how many words he can spew out in one breath... either he's got super enhanced aqua lungs or he's just inhuman... O_o... he also made me go to sleep... that's OK ALSO, coz he was at least talking in a voice that is loud enough to do something to the brain, maybe jolt it awake or something... XD good thing though... i may just rate him, machine gun mouth of the year! XD

the last one that came in was either talking to himself or just teaching himself the basics all over again... man... he was really talking to himself... nono, that's just wrong... lemme rephrase that... he was HUMPING HIMSELF IN THE HEAD WITH INFORMATION! damn... speak so quietly that it just seems polite to sleep in front of him... aw well... that's not the real problem... he made us sit there on the chair for 4 hours straight... my arse could'nt feel much better even after the sitting and resting... moreover, those are hard plastic chairs... CAN YOU IMAGINE?!?!?! 4 STRAIGHT HOURS ON THOSE WILL KILL YOUR BUTT BRAIN CELLS!!!!! DAMN MOFO!

ugh... and i had to go home to attend an emergency meeting with Mr. Toilet bowl... and he asked me to bomb Iraq... donnou what i ate last night though... aw well... now talking to Takumi, my twin bro... MAN~ i wish there are more people online... T^T Rwolf~

till next time then...

updating~

2005-09-23T22:24:00.000+08:00

well, nothing much to do but update... XD somemore, tml's the theory "listening" thingy that's gonna take place in an ulu ulu place... Kaoz.... anyways, i hate to sit through 5 hours of nothing... most prolly gonna rot there and continue drawing my stuffs... XD i drew Sol-Badguy and Axl-Low~ LOL~ so cool~ too bad i can't really draw themm really well... wish i had talents of the other people... XD

Been getting calls from so many people yesterday and today... Vic chan, Aries mummy, Christina... man... my hp bill's gonna kill me... if not, my aunt breathing down my neck is another threat that's gonna press me down till i'm no flatter than a 1 cent coin... X_x Whatmore, the things that i've been listening to these days are nerve wreaking... Things like what happened to Kula chan after Vic chan and Aries mummy did to her.... MAN... that was so wierd and sudden that i really didn't have time to react to it... what is even more nerve wreaking is that i don't really know what they are thinking... then this morning, Vic chan msg me on my hp telling me that i should try harder to get you-know-who... aw well... i should just let nature take it's course... if it is meant to be, it is meant to be... my feelings won't change no matter what... but then, i don't know about her... so yar... then, it seems like i can't really take her off my mind... could it really be that i care too much or is it another feeling that's totally different and a matter of the heart? i'm hoping that it would be something on the heart for her.. coz it is for me... aw well... enough of this mushy stuffs... i'm sure that no one wants to listen to me ranting about these things when i'm not there in the first place to see it take place...

Aries mummy told me last night about something very similar to what happened to me... XD Takumi, my twin, as i would have called him all the time *yo wazzup bro?! XD* got into a fight... XD man, i'm sure you gave what those people you fought with that they deserve... XD Dude, you should've waited forme to go back man! i want to fight along side you... XD plus, it's fun to get hurt sometimes...XD it's been so long since i tasted blood... XD well.. last night i did anyways... BUT! it's not the same as when you fight along with your buddy... XD It's more fun that way! XD

eh bro, don't leave me out next time k?! XD oh yar, Aries mummy, you better take care of bakakumi hor! he's the closer brother to me thatn bakamune leh~ speaking of which... i wonder how is bakamune... never really see him online anymore... must be up to his neck in trouble brewing beneath his head... Dude~ take care of yourself you hear? i still wanna see you guys in the pink of.... erm... lemme rephrase that... in the ... in the.... AW MAN... CAN"T THINK! i think i'll just use pink of health... *sounds so gay... UGH~* aw well... and you Vic chan, take care of yourself also argh... always getting yourself into so much headache thinking about my problems... you and Aries mummy better take care of yourselves lah... don't try to change the present already... it's not worth the energy... I'll try to change it myself... ^-^

Anyways, i'm like gotta try and get more slp 2nite... tml gotta tahan like 5 hours of crappy talk... MAN... that sucks... aw well... oyasuminasai~

Ugh...

2005-09-20T15:34:00.000+08:00

I'm currently in an internet cafe where there are a couple of people playing DOTA... Man, all the sound effects are making me wanting to play it, but nah... i think i'll stick to updating this blog and not to mention, talk to the only person alive in MSN... too bad ther version ain't that upgraded and all, but hell, still, it's usable no? XD Missing so many people now... Last night, Vic chan called me at about 12 plus.... sleping already loh... XD Dad was like had a rude awakening from the annoying Dragoon Blade as my ringtone... XD Anyways I'm currently chatting with Angel Chan... She seems a little preoccupied with her stuffs... Kula chan seems to be like never update her blog anymore... Donnou why anyways... and she's not online either... Aw well... Guess Kazuki kyudai's bringing her out for something or she's just busy with school or stuffs... BLEH... I'm just hoping that the Crosses will do what they are meant to do and well...... protect her... i guess.... Anyways, back to the topic at hand...

3 days without internet seems like very sianz... Buay Tahan sia... On the way back by car, my aunt was like killing me with her voice that sounds like slaughtering a pig or something... MAN, can you imagine the horrible voice that was trying to go along with the music?! MAN! HORRIBLE! I can hardly tolerate the sound... .not to mention, the horrible shrieking... X_X Lucky I still have my headphones... It at least helped with the noise cancellation... Bless the person who created noise cancellation... XD

Anyways, these few days have been raining... guess my mood has affected the weather here... Can't help it... It's just been very depressing... Gonna take my "Basic theory" on this Sat... 24th i guess... SO BORING!!!! Rules are meant to be broken no? XD but hell, it's the rules.... Hate it... Basic Theory seems like such an easy task to pass... provided that it's easy and all... I just can't wait for the practical to happen and start... so i can at least "Chiong" all the way and go back to Singapore... See all my friends again... aw well... Hate to admit it, but i really miss them already... 3 DAYS ONLY!!! X_x I must be getting soft already.... aw well... time for another update next time then... XD Hope to get online soon... ^-^

Take care you guys~ Miss ya... T^T

A moment alone in time and a moment alone in thoughts...

2005-09-17T01:59:00.000+08:00

I know I'm being all emotional here, but I really will miss all my friends, my brothers, my sisters... Haha... you guys know who you are... and those special someones who made a dent in my live, I donnou when I'll be back... Even if you guys don't really know me, I think it's ok if you've heard my name, nick or real names, I still treat you guys as friends, Don't worry about being left out... Kinda sad that I have to go back at this time of the year... Learn how to drive a car... and for christ sakes, why can't i just do it here... It's much more convenient and much more accessible and understandable... XD

I had fun just now... *looks at time* well, i had fun last night... XD and it's the feeling that gets your spirits all high up and happy and you get into a natural high on it... XD Takumi, Kazuki, Aries, Hakkai and me went to Hakkai's place to crash and watch The Longest Yard which made us all laughed our asses off and not to mention, all the laughter I can bet is audiauble even from the other blocks... XD

After that rushed to Marina there to eat the main course of the day... XD drank shark fin soup through a straw XD drank vege soup added with *more like spiked with* sugar water, got sprinkled with sugar water by Kula, almost got my boxers ripped out to show the world by Kazuki, went all "SENSEI" on Kula with Takumi *our fav thing to do to her since it's what we are both adept at... XD*, gotten a headshot on angel's head... XD played Drum Mania Vest at the arcade and awed a group of people, got my ass whuuped by the Guitar Freak 6th Mix version, ate durian Ice Cream, lost our way to the 7-11 at the Marina place *where the hell is it arh?!*, saw Usagi-san off on his taxi... XD and gave Kula something... hope she likes it... XD

I donnou.... the moments we spent together, it was so priceless... and the faces that I looked through these eyes of mine reminded that friends are important... even if you have a million dollars, friedns can never overtake the place in your heart for friends... well, that's how i feel.... If you don't like what i think, then please get out of my blog... Money issn't everything, but to my aunt, money is everything.. I hate that... Aw well...I'm tired... I love my friends... I love someone else even more... Sorry Kazuki Kyudai, It's true about that... I donnou what you feel, but if it hurts you, I'm sorry, I have to say the truth about it... I can't help it, I don't want to lie... Even if i did, the truth is going to catch up one of these days... ^-^ So, it's better today then never right? ^-^

So there... a Moment in time and deep in thoughts... Hoping that it can stay like this forever... Hopeing that friendship will never break or sink even throughout the whole life... I don't want it to sink... If it breaks, I'll mend it even if it uses my blood, If it's broken, I'll mend it even if it kills me... If it's broken within, All i can do with it is to be vigilant and save as much as i can and hopefullly be able to salvage enough if it.... I'm falling asleep... Good night my friends... You know how much I love you guys... and also her... XD

Jya~ till the next time i update it again... XD XD, Love ya guys!

haiz....

2005-09-14T21:18:00.000+08:00

There they come with the damn comments about my life again... They are planning to plot my life on a chart or something? I'm not a doll for them to poke around and move like a puppet... I'm not one who will stay down for you to push me around and plan my life and work and whatever you wanna do... It's hard already to have myself being pushed to one corner after being tolerant by your stupid F-ed up behaviour... It's NOT WHAT I WANT! I WANT MY OWN LIFE! I hate being comtrolled.... I love my social life too much to give in to all your stupid request/command to go work in a shipyard and such... I don't want to live my life staring at empty space and having my social life being sapped by the emptiness of staying in the line of work where i have to regret my whole life on and not mixing with my friends! I NEED FRIENDS! I NEED PEOPLE! I NEED INTERACTION! and not just any, I need LOVE LIFE!

You ahve no life, THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM! NOT MINE! AND FOR CHRIST SAKES! I"M NOT YOUR F-ING PUPPET! stop controlling me like one... I don't need your attention on that... Like it or not, I will work whatever line i want, it's not about interest, it's not about dreams, it's not even about who earns the most! I'm who I am, I'm a thinker, I'm an artistic person, I love art, I love media, I love life, I LOVE PEOPLE! not some guy who just have his life leaking from the palms of his arms growing grey wearing that F-ed up jumpsuit working in a Shipyard or even an Oil rig and not having to see my friends for 2-3 YEARS! You think having that kind of life surrounded by water is what I WANT?! HAVE YOU BITCHES EVER CARE ABOUT WHAT I WANT?! IT'S ALL ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT!

F YOU! I still have a life to live... I'm not like you greying sacks of flesh just rotting your lives in your own little world and bouncing on little bumps of joy... I need HILLS AND MOUNTAINS! I need people to fill my gaps and make life a bumpy and fun one, unlike your machine like consistent boring lives... I want to live my life my way... F your ideas... you all are always planning my future... I hate you... I HATE ALL OF YOU!

I'm crying so hard I doubt you can hear my cries and pleas of having my own live... even if i earn a measly amount of money, I'm still earning... I want my own life... No one's there to hold my tears anymore then I can hold them... F all of you for trying to plan my life... No one will hear me cry... I hope you Bitches are happy with what you have just created... a machine just like the rest of you social society robots... I need someone to talk to... Bloody hell... no one's there to wipe my tears off anymore... I'll just go die while bleeding away on my bed or something... at least I won't be a robot like all of you...

there is disturbance in the force...

2005-09-10T21:50:00.000+08:00

DAMMIT! GIMME A SPEARMINT ICE CREAM INSTEAD OF THE LAME CHOCOLATE AND QUIRKY VANILLA!~ dammit... i think God likes to play a joke on me or something... there is this pack of ice cream, 10 to be exact, then they have to have this lame color thingy on them, blue, purple, i donnou what the hell is the color of spearmint... and they just put this lame "Ingredients" outside and no flavour... LAME HAT !@#$#$!@@#$% MOFOS~! I want a spear mint.... how difficult is it?! and it's damn frustrating to be doing this.... and choosing all the time! i've eatern like 4 ice cream and all i get is chocolate, vanila, chocolate, vanila.... but... but... I WANT A SPEARMINT ONE! *grumble grumble....* If i ever get my hands on the maker of this ice cream, i swear to God, i'll put him in different colored ice cream papers taht he won't know how to get out of iot... and most prolly, stuff him with chocolate and vanilla ice cream...

*grumble grumble...*
*goes to the kitchen to get another one...*

*opens wrapping...*

WTF?!?!?! CHOCOLATE?!?!!? ARGH!!!!!!!!%!$%!@#$!$#^!@#$@%^#$@#$.....

*Connection lost. User currently not available*

this is the person i am, i can't help being like this...

2005-09-10T01:40:00.000+08:00

Your Birthdate: February 27

Your birth on the 27th day of the month (9 energy) adds a tone of selflessness and humanitarianism to your life path.
Certainly, you are one who can work very well with people, but at the same time you need a good bit of time to be by yourself to rest and meditate.
There is a very humanistic and philanthropic approach in most of things that you do.

This birthday helps you be broadminded, tolerant, generous and very cooperative.
You are the type of person who uses persuasion rather than force to achieve your ends.
You tend to be very sensitive to others' needs and feelings, and you able to give much in the way of friendship without expecting a lot in return.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

yes, i'm like that.. selfishless person who will never get what i want no matter how much i say... it will still be the same... but who would even care... might as well just tear away my mask and see for yourself how weak i am inside... if it stops your pain, i will try to do everything i ca ndo stop it...

You Are a Punk Rocker!

When it comes to rock, you don't follow any rules
You know that rocking out is all about taking down the man
You've got an incredible stage presence and rock persona
You scare moms, make bad girls (or boys) swoon, and live life on the edge!

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

Your Career Type: Artistic

You are expressive, original, and independent.
Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art.

You would make an excellent:

Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor
Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer
Dancer - DJ - Graphic Designer
Illustrator - Musician - Sculptor

The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary.

What's Your Ideal Career?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

why is this so true about what i feel now.... dammit.... sometimes it's so true that i really wanna do something about it... just that i have no chance to do it anymore than you can say "Life is but a dream."...

Longing...

2005-09-09T00:10:00.000+08:00

Seeing that face light up on such a trivial matter was a joy in my eyes, I did not ask for more... Not from the Gods, not from my friends, not from anyone... just a smile brings hapiness to my face... Wish there was a substitude for that... but no... there is only 1 you... there is only 1 me, there is no more emotions left for me to feel when I'm with you... Did it really hurt for you when I get hurt? Did it really feel so frustrating to be played by me? Did it really feel warm when I held your hand in mine for that small amount of moment? I don't really know, but all I know what to do is run away, go to another palce to hide my face, hide my emotions, hide everything so that yo won't see...
Not a sight for sore eyes that I'm here... I know I may seem to be friendly and laughing away at the things taht happen everyday, but... have you consider the face I hide behind this very mask i wear? Everyday this mask breaks, little by little... piece by piece... I can't help but see my face appearing from these cracks... Sometimes I want to tear it open and tell you how I really feel about you, but even if I did, what will I get, I'm afraid to take in the punishments.... I am afraid to show my true self to anyone anymore... I feel like crying in front of you sometimes, But no, that will only show my soft side... I want to hold you, But I can never do that... I want to hug you, But I can never do that... I want to take you in my arms and cry my weakness away in my tears, But I will never do that... I need those masks... So taht I have somewhere to hide in... I don't want you to see me cry.... I don't want you to hear my whimper... I don't want you to cover my ears and close me from the world surrounding us, I only want you to smile at me and I will break down and lie there doing nothing but die....

hur hur... love sucks...

2005-09-06T09:04:00.000+08:00

"Love is the slowest form of suicide..."
as Quoted by Takumi

lol... imagine... love is really the slowest form of suicide... it kills your heart, it kills your soul and what's more, it kills your emotion... the first love makes you feel so lightheaded, just like the calm before the storm... then the first breakup will be the storm that ravages amongst your emotions, twirling among your fingers, turning and twisting and distorting what nots in your mind...

If you ever can untie a knot in someones' heart, it can be like 3 reasons to do that...
1) you pity the poor fool...
2) you don't want to hurt that poor fool...
3) you are in love with that poor fool...

what's more to this that meets the eye? something else... if i'm not being an honest fool myself and being a normal human, i don't really care about things that are not in my way... but i'm an honest fool who will take "sympathy" and "self-sacrifice" to the extreme till no one really knows me... no one will actually know that i'm there other than the receiving end... Nah.... i'm just a speck or dust in this entire worldof rotting nothingness, a grain of sand in an hour glass just waiting to be tilted to my side to roll over to a command so strong, i'll never be the one to resist it...

Breaking up due to selfishness is and will be the worst case senario with someone who loves you so much she can put herself on the line for you... but heck, i will throw away my "sympathy" and "self-sacrifice" into the wind and let them fly off to somewhere else and keep some for myself only to not harm more girls that way... Humans are so demanding... what bloody bull is that i also don't wanna know... Girls are strange creatures, Boy are even stranger... but this honest fool here is nothing but trapped in the middle and hiding in whereever dark places he finds and turning himself into a loner from the society... No one needs this honest fool...

this is a story of a traveller that many might know...

There was once a traveller, a kind and honest traveller. He stopped by a village one day to get some things he needed, then he saw an couple who have no money and are so poor that they are begging.

"Here! Let me help you!" He said as he gave them all his money without thinking about himself.

"Thank you young man," They replied,
"We are cold, hungry and poor, can I have something to cover my body?" They continued.

"Sure! Take these clothes of mine and warm yourselves up!" He replied with a glee on his face.

The couples took the clothes and money and ran off laughing and ignoring the young boy. Then the boy smiled and continue walking towards the forest because he has no more money. Then he saw a man with no arms wanted to pick up something on the floor. He walked up to the man and picked it up for him.

"Thank you young man," He replied

"I'm glad to help" The young boy smiled

"I wish i had arms to do my things" The man continued.

"Here have mine!" The young boy took off his arms and gave it to the man.

"Thank you young man." He replied and ran off laughing and ignoring the young boy. Then the boy smiled and continued walkign deeper into the forest and he has nearly nothing left. Then he saw a lady with no legs and crawling on the ground. He walked up to the lady and picked her up to brought her to where she wanted.

"Thank you young man." She replied

"I'm glad to help" The young boy smiled

"I wish I had legs to run with" The lady continued.

"Here have mine!" The young boy had his legs removed and given to the lady.

"Thank you young man." She replied and ran off laughing and ignoreing the young boy. Then the boy smiled and.... He couldn't go anywhere or do anything anymore but lay on the forest floor and stare at the sky above. Then a demon came by and say the boy there.

"Young boy young boy, why are you on the soil?" The demon jestered.

"I have no arms and I have no legs, I can't do anything but help anyone who needs it." He replied.

"Eyes to see, tongue to lick, ears for me, voice to speak~" The demon requested.

"Here have mine" The young boy had his eyes and tongue and ears and voice all given to the demon.

"Hahaha~ More for me and none for you, rot here now for your heart is due" The demon said and plucked out the young boys heart.

But he could no longer hear, nor say anything, no eyes to see and no tongue to lick... The demon ran off hop hop hopping on the forest floor and laughing in the air.

"A fool~ a fool~ nothing but a fool~ Everyone come see that fool~ as he lay there and be nothing but a tool~"

And so he died just lying there not as a young traveller, but as a person who helped everyone and yet no one knows. As for those who know will only call him a fool... A fool who will be nothing but a fool...

The End

All of you must be thinking that this young man is a fool... He is, but he is an honest and kind fool, all the people are like the world these days... I don't want to argue about such things.. and I AM that fool who will do that for others... just so you know...

I've been thinking...

2005-09-05T09:24:00.000+08:00

How long has it been? Since the last day that I said something logical for a start and a change? 15 year olds... Kula chan... Vic chan... ugh... Sometimes, it feels so painful to see one disliking another for some reasons best not found out... also, this wee hours in the morning's intelligent conversation with Masa chan has lead me to think of things that I don't wann think about... Should I just let Vic chan go? I don't want to hurt anybody... I never did and I never will... Kula... I know that there is something there still lingering in the air around her... I don't know what to do... I really hope that nothing comes to be bad... My intelligence is seeping through the palms of my hands... That's why I hate thinking...

Vic chan called me at around 8.30 a.m. I told her about those things that Masa chan and I talked about... It's heart wreaking to tell the truth sometimes... A fool I am... And a seriously F-ed up honest fool too... What the hell, I'm pushing myself too much I must say... Been doing some thinking and started crying for no reason... Am I just too much of that honest fool to hurt her? She told me to go do what I think is right... But as most of my friends would say, what i think is right is always according to the other party's thinking... I don't know... Vic chan says she wants t odissappear for "a while" most probably 1-2 months... Which is practically not the point... I think she's dissappointed in me... I've become someone whom I hate... No matter what I say now would make no difference... I like Vic chan... but... I like Kula chan more...

As quoted before, "Can't live with women, Can't live without them either" What a sad irony od what has become of men... Think this is easy? Nah... It has never been one from the starting of everything...

Emotionless is what I seek to be now... Just to be a puppet, a doll, just to hold on to the thought that someone will come and play with my strings and throw me away if I break...

Love is too complicating...
Standing in my position, my tears drip into the
abyss of emotionless decent...

ranting of nonsense... XD

2005-09-03T18:53:00.000+08:00

Lets see... how do i EVEN start? i donnou, guess it's nothing much i can tell of but some things that's been coming into my mind... one important thing was that i got interviewd by someone from NTU, something about a project i must say... XD rather cool to be interviewed though, time consuming, but fun... ^-^ Single life was rather nice though, but guess my loneliness got the better of me and my compassion is also too great... i donnou... now i'm like attached to a 15 year old girl who is super hyper and all, but i don't know if my decision is right or not... i have a lingering feeling towards another though... i mean, i can't be like that, it's just not right to do this to a girl, i'm not that kinda guy who'll actually two time someone... ^-^ it's hard to actually see someone you really wanna be with and not wanna be with at the same time, it's contridicting to myself, yes i know, but hey, life's like that, sometimes the things you want, can never be yours, sometimes the things you don't really want, is always yours.... i donnou, BUT I"LL NEVER TWO TIME THE PERSON I"M WITH! XD that she can be very sure of it~

anyways, i'm studying now and doing this blooging crappy thingy.... so bo liao... tml got the vampire meeting, HATE COFFEE! i so don't wannnt go there and smell coffee... X_x

ugh... what the hell...

2005-08-28T17:26:00.000+08:00

"Time passes by, but persistant demons still
clutch on to me"

You have been wronged in the past and have to live
with those awful memories now. That is why you
carry inside much hate and sadness, which you
hide away to most people. To this day you still
feel pain thinking of it, and desire revenge
done to them/him/her, to right the wrongs that
has been made to you. You usually are alone or
with a few friends, but you aren't too keen on
the human race anylonger. You might find
temporary happiness in some sort of activity,
such as music, to get out your feelings, even
if it is just listening to it. Most people
might think you are overreacting to still feel
such contempt, and that doesn't exactly help to
be around those who can't understand. You might
feel insecure nowadays, and you have little
faith in most things.

What is Your Phrase? [for darker people]
brought to you by Quizilla

You're sensitive, affectionate, and very clingy.
You would do best with a Pisces or a Cancer.

CANCER is the homebody of the Water Signs. Many
Cancers have a strong connection with their
parents. They are also the moodiest of the
Water Signs because Cancer's emotions are
constantly going through different phases, like
the moon, which is their ruling planet.
Therefore, it can be difficult to predict your
Cancer's moods. As trust is tantamount to
Cancers, you must earn a crab's trust before
they will expose their soft core. Comfort and
security is also important in a partner to
Cancers. They are perfectly content staying
home with good food and someone they love, as a
Cancer's home serves as their safe haven. Like
a crab, they can appear tough on the outside,
but are quite vulnerable beneath their shell.
Thus, penetrating the shell requires patience
and sensitivity. Cancers have a need to nurture
the ones they love and need some nurturing in
return. So, make your Cancer feel loved, secure
and protected, and they'll never leave home.
Motto: Home is where the heart is.

PISCES is the most compassionate of the Water
Signs. They are also the most intuitive and
self-sacrificing of the zodiac as they are
often willing to forego their own interests for
their partner's interests. More than any other
sign, Pisces are keenly in tune with other
people's emotions, which can be both good and
bad. They pick up on the vibrations of the
others around them like emotional sponges, and
therefore, they can be highly influenced by
others. Therefore, Pisces do not handle the
negative emotions well. To compound things,
they can be highly impressionable, so if you're
feeling upset, your Pisces will too. Perhaps,
this is why the Pisces are the real dreamers of
the zodiac, preferring fantasy to the real
world and getting lost in fantasies. So, put on
a happy face, surround your Pisces with
positive people, shielding them from the harsh
realities of the world, and you'll keep your
Pisces happy as a clam -- or fish. Motto: I
dream, therefore I am.

Which Zodiac Sign Should Your Lover Have {Updated}
brought to you by Quizilla

Your a daydreamer.. All you do is dream what could
happen of what you want to happen. You seem to
live in your own world...

Whats your word?(Anime pics)(Updated...)
brought to you by Quizilla

...

2005-08-24T18:30:00.000+08:00

You have mysterious wings.

Not very many people understand you,
as you have a very complex soul. You have
some friends, but you trust very few of them.
PLus you don't open up to very many people,
and stay to yourself alot of the times.
Your wings give off an artist side for you,
even if you say that you dont have one. But you
seem to have your own style to your things...

A Quote: If people don't want me here,
why did they have me?

What kind of wings does YOUR soul have?(anime pics!!)
brought to you by Quizilla

i donnou... suits me now...

You're a Metal/earth dragon!!!
You live in the unknown parts of the earth where
you and your treasure is safe. Your very
Knowledgable and keep to yourself alot. You
also like to squish stuff. Hey what are
you-HEY! Don't squish m-.

What kind of Dragon are YOU?(with pics now!)
brought to you by Quizilla

hm...

Your the Sidekick-----
You came across your friend from almost(or
very) the start of the adventure, and you've
become quite close to them. You'll help out
your friends in any cause, and will trust them
with all your heart. But sometimes you try to
hide that and quickly change the subject. You
always seem to get there in the nick of time to
help out the hero. Don't worry, your the hero
to some people as well ^^.

What Role Would You Take in an Adventure?(with anime pics ^^)
brought to you by Quizilla

like anyone would care about me... or even notice me...

The end...

2005-08-24T18:08:00.000+08:00

The end of my relationship... with one whom i loved... who doesn't believe... who doesn't listen to reason... who doesn't know it... who doesn't understand... who doesn't think... It's all over... but i guess it's already over from the begining... It ws never meant to be i guess... Have been thikning alot lately... and it's giving me a very big headache... I've been feeling feverish and down for two days already... I think i'm too sick to really think anymore... Just had an arguement with her... too heated i guess... and that was the end i think... no more... I can't take it anymore from her reactions to my reasoning... I can't take it anymore from her screaming, Although she cares, all she ever cares about is me, but i think it's just too much for me to take it... She deserves another guy... one who will take all the blame... one who will always have his handphone in his pocket to quickly pick up ad answer... one who will know that she needs him quick and one that has a bigger pocket than me... mine is too shallow to even support myself... i guess it's all there is to know about my relationship...

How about other people? do their boyfriends or girlfriends worry too much about them so much that they will keep calling and calling till the cows come home and have them do that a few times and yet not flare up? i don't know... hopefully that they do... plus, it's not just that... they must allow their boyfriends and girlfriends to do it several times... if they get sick and tired of worrying after like the 3rd or 4th time, and it ends, then forget about the whole relationship... oh come on, where in this world would you have your other half give up on you after the 3rd or 4th time? i think it's mine only... She just worries too much... till she gets sick of it... my head hurts... my heart hurts... everywhere hurts... I'm sick, i'm tired, and i'm vomitting everything out from my lunch... it's just too much for me to take it... i feel like i'm slowly dying and being drained of all energy... I think i'll just pack up all her stuffs and put it in a corner... pass it all back to her when she wants it... bleh... sucks to have ended such a nice relationship... totally ruined by a factor of not putting my hp in my pocket to hear her calls... and her overly possessive self on care of mine... bleh...

Feels empty all the time, but never so empty before... aw well... hope the next won't end up this way... I don't want to have to get myself too attached to another girl and end up having her worry too damn much on me till she will call for a break coz i'm not always available like a dog on call... pfft... my head really hurst now... effects of being scolded and screamed till you wake up from you rest... it sucks...

NATSU MATSURI~

2005-08-22T13:38:00.000+08:00

OFFICAILLY ENDED! Aw man... really wish i was back there again, with all the food, and all the friends and all the people selling you stuffs... man, you can't miss it! too bad there isn't much photos being uploaded yet... or it'll rock~ i'll try to upload some tonight! man, ASAHI BEER TASTE GOOD~ well, not like tiger beer, but it taste really good, got a little malty taste to it, plenty of foam, definite cannot miss... XD too bad they came in draughts and not cans, the cans version already ran out... and thanks to Zenzhin for giving me 2 coupons to enjoy that draught... MAN! I WANT ANOTHER MATSURI! XD maybe one in Japan? all the things are so nice over there... here is an overview of the things we did on sat~

-early afternoon i went to meet Martia, and was late to be frank... XD andways, we got to AMK to wait for Kula, but in the end went to look for Ash instead... XD
-met Ash and his friend and in the end, me and Ash went off to look for Kula, who was at the interchange listening to her MP3 player and reading her manga... XD aw well, made our way down to the coffee tiam... XD
-Took Ash's car to the place, in the end ended up parking beside the place... XD
-changed into our yukatas and wah... so many ppl~ got people staring at each other's yukata, got ppl changing in the toilet, got people running around the place,, got a dumbass ccarrying his wooden katana trying to act cool and all.. *dumbass* got kodomo running around in their cute yukatas... *kawaii desu ne~* and lastly, the HUGE amount of people who came to join us after that... WAH~
-Enter the place and ended up going to fish for yo-yos and ate Unagi-don... we ate at a ulu ulu place leh... just me, Kula, and Lex... XD we three like 3 blind mice sia, walk here, walk there... XD
-GOT SEE YOUKO SENSEI! XD
-played around and went off to look for others
-Kula helped some of the people fish for yo-yos, donnou if the japanese stall tenders got find out she cheated anot... XD aw well, it's all in the name of fun no? XD
-took pics with Masa *yaoi master... XD* he cross dressed too! got plenty of fam girls running circles around him... XD
-went to play arcade and pool...
-went to LJS there talk cock sing song play majong... XD aw well, when i get the pics compiled, i'll be sure to upload it! XD

till next time then! JYA~

check otu these cool results! XD

2005-08-16T09:49:00.000+08:00

Werewolf - Evil or Not?

What type of evil being are you inside?
brought to you by Quizilla

werewolf... dang, i've always wanted to be one... XD can't help it, i'm already half a dog...

you have the power of invisibility. you often try
to run and hide from the world and the ppl in
it, and your great hiding technic has saved you
out of annoying situations multiple times. just
don't forget that you can't hide for everything
forever. you have to come out and show more of
yourself so ppl get the chance to befriend you.
cause one thing is for sure, you'd make a nice
friend

What's your special hidden power?
brought to you by Quizilla

AWMAGAWD~ same with kula's... hm... no wonder we click... XD

You're a moon elf. you like to stay away, alone in
the dark. the only light is that of the moon
and all the stars that are your only friends.
your power is great, but you're not so social.
you rather hide away till night comes.
Black fits you best

what kind of elf are you? {with pics}
brought to you by Quizilla

oh, this is cool nevertheless... XD

You're a love angel. in ancient mythology you're
always the one playing with peoples hearts. you
can make them love and hate, and sometimes toy
around with it a bit. you can't really be
called an angel, because of your temper and
sometimes little mean personality, but you're
also a dreamer and a great romantic person.
your wings are very small and only love makes
them appear.

what kind of angel are you? {with pics}
brought to you by Quizilla

wow... this is GH3Y! AWMAGAWD~ *click*bi le~ (something stolen from Russell Peter's comedy night...)

LOL!

2005-08-16T09:28:00.000+08:00

it's been like i donnou a week or so sionce i last blogged... i donnou much that's been happening too, maybe it's stress catching up to me... LOL, see my carefree face, it still bears the resembelance of a person who's held too much inside and want to explode or implode... i donnou, who is to say the least on these things that i can tell... Anyways, NATSU MATSURI IS NEARING! and i can't wait too long for that to happen... haha... my first matsuri ever, get to mix around people i don't know, get to eat some authentic stuffs, and walking in the busy festival spirit that is lingering in the air... haha... i wonder if the food there is nice... if it is, you'll see me running around and grabbing everything i can get my paws on... yes, i'm officaily a dog now... XD but i still love cows... and cats... and hammies... and... i donnou... getting outta point... XD who cares, it's a blog right? XD

ok, hopefully i can get that festive spirit into my head ASAP, i'm going with all my cosplay friends though, tixs are ready and has been bought... WEEEEEEEEEE~ one thing though.... i hope not to get drunk on that day.... it's gonna be real bad to look when i'm drunk... i mean, i've only been drunk once in my life and the whole place turned into a war zone the very night... and not to mention, everyone dared not put too much alcohol into my blood stream ever again, not something you want to see.... wonder what black mata is doing now... XD running around in my head just waiting for a time to explode into the festival.. XD who cares... hope to get more contacts from the festival... hehe, well, at the giver's discreetion of coz, it's not polite to want to make friend with another who has absolutely no interest in you... XD anyways, time to go prepare to go to school now.. LATERS~

P.S. i'll upload any pics that has been taken durig the festival for all to see... XD after it happens anyways... XD

...it... hurts...

2005-08-14T02:24:00.000+08:00

why does it hurt even if there is no wound? why does it hurt when there are only words being spoken? why does it hurt when lifes are not at stake and blood is not shed? why does it hurt when the invisible lines of trust is cut? why does it hurt when the empty silence has held it's fingers close to your neck and breath death and despair, mute and loneliness, sadness and icy cold spears into your chest? why does it always be so grim to stare at the person in the eye and tell her that you have truthfullly broken a promise meant to keep? why does it always seem to be black when that person stares back and tells you that the trust that's ever been built up so delicately has been severed? why does it always seem like sleepless nights have always been the concequences of undying hunger for the truth?

Is it that pierce that spear through my ear? Is it that loneliness that i feel gripping my heart in my chest? Is that pain that i feel in my ear as the wound heals itself? Is that blood i see on my hands as i expel them from this dirty mortal shell that i call a body?

I don't know... i don't want to know... my tears are flowing as i type this complicated sheet of text... has it ever occur to her that lies are something that no human can ever go without? being backstabbed is nothing compared to this... nothing heals worst than a scar that's been trying to close and yet been reopened by the same hands that cut them... the tingle of pain sears through my ear as i pull out the pierce... is it really painful? is it really bleeding? is it really that hurtful?

it all is, but the pain that i feel inside is more than that i feel outside... blood is seeping through my teeth as i wipe them off... i don't know... it's been long since she's been this cold... it's been long since i've felt this pain.... it's been long since i last told myself that i've lied... it's been long since i've broken a promise... a $3 thing gone wrong and turning into a trust breaking contest of the fittest.... but yet, i let her win... it's stupid i know... but it's for the best even if i know i'm not wrong... i don't deserve this... nor do i deserve the severing of the trust...

another sleepless night... another sleepless dream... i dream of nothingness... i dream of silence... i dream nothing...

the dust has settled...

2005-08-08T19:14:00.000+08:00

It seems that the dust has settled between some conflict of mine, no matter how much it has been stirred up, i'll still stick by your side, it's hard to have to not let out the steam you stored up in yourself after so long, it's even harder not to let it out in front of others...

I can read people's minds like a book sometimes, it's not hard to do taht... by the way they talk, by the way they look and by the way they respond i can tell what they are feeling.. Even if you don't tell me, i can also feel what you want to hide, but i just don't want to probe too deep, it's not good to do that coz i trust you enough to let you take care of your problems... I try to take care of mine myself too, but it takes two hands to clap, not very encouraging when the other doesn't want to... and so comes the conflict. We have been friends for so long, it's not hard to understand that you need your private time and space, i need mine, but it's better if these are not put too close together.

You know that i'm here at most times, but at others, i'm not... The times that i'm not, please, i hope you take notice of what is happening, times that i am, please take notice that i'm there for you even if you don't ask... It's times that are ever changing that brings us apart, but it's also times that are ever changing that pulls us together, we can't do much about the times that we are apart, but i will always be there when you need me when i'm there with you, i hope that you can understand that it's not harsh to judge others and criticize about their behaviour, but it's even worst than harsh to judge others without fact and knowledge of what that person is doing and yet you pass out judgement and verdict. I don't care about the past, i don't want to know about it, i learn from it. By revisiting the past, i can learn, but i don't want to remember and get stuck in it. I only want the best of this friendship, no matter how you treat me, no matter how you think of me, no matter how you speak of me, no matter how you judge me, I don't really care, as long as i know you are still there, standing there looking at me an still know that i exist...

Longing...

running away

sometimes...

pfft...

why does it have to be like that?

why? Why? WHY?!

Sigh... kept me thinking...

To My Dearly Departed Chips...

OMFG~ this is weird

Should i or shouldn't i?

1 minute and 17 seconds...

i hate i hate I HATE

sometimes... sometimes...

Happy Birthday To....... me....

I don't know anymore than i do...

hm... this is retarded...

hm... Random stuffs...

"I am affectionate and skeptical"

aw well... just another day...

day of hapiness turned sour and sad.... man...

I HATE THIS! THIS IS SO *beep* UP!

hm... time to think deep and hard...

well.. ain't got nothing better to do...

GAWD~

CNY~

Hehehehehehe...

hehehehe... Shiki is never really needed, but when he is....

The need for "it"...

RP open house

hm... aw welll...

Time to update again.... hm...

pfft... *angry angry* Continue from last post...

Sentosa trip!

^-^

hm...

^-^

WAHAHAHAHAH! PWNT!

gawd.... i hate people...

ARH!!!!! STUPID BLOGGER!!!

che..... maganantekinai....

why why why?!

LOL! check out the pic! XD

Some random thoughts...

ARGH!

1 handed man!

juz some random quizzes...

hm... untitled again? donnou...

hm... late nights seems so peaceful...

lol... butter sauce mussell

ARGH! NOT AGAIN!

some boring shits...

Deep thinking...

Fading into the background till needed...

untitled...

ARGH! !#$%@#$%

Courage part II

Courage... Courage is what i need...

HORAHORAHORAHORA~

Untitled to my own death...

I wish...

wah~

some time already...

Ugh... the pain...

hm...

hm.... my thoughts...

GENKI GENKI!

ugh... bull.. this is all bull...

Is it painful? Does it hurt? I don't know...

hm...

Sometimes, it's just too harsh and hurtful for me to love you again... I wish...

i donnou... haiz...

GAY!!!! THIS IS SO GAY!!!!

wah~

hm.... i donnou...

erm... i donnou...

been thinking even deeper...

hm... something to think about

hm...

BLEH! *pissed off*

updating~

I HATE THIS! THIS IS SO beep UP!

pfft... angry angry Continue from last post...

BLEH! pissed off